Quote:
Originally Posted by dancinglady
I had a relationship for 17 years. It was what you describe. In the end I saw the "go away" symptoms. He died.
|
I'm sorry to hear that. My first husband that I separated from - he didn't make it a year before he died. I still deal with guilt from that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
You and I have a lot in common. Not officially diagnosed with BPD and I am sure I have ADHD, but doctors dismiss it when I bring it up without even discussing it, IDK why.
Same way about the relationships, too. I am not making desperate attempts to avoid abandonment-- I push them away. Same way you described exactly.
I have wondered if I do it to reject them before they reject me and questioned if I deserved love. But, it is honestly just that I fell out of love and sexual attraction. I got repulsed, turned off.
As time went on, they started to show a lot of qualities that I really didn't like. I began to feel incompatible. I did not belong with them. I get an overwhelming feeling of I don't belong with anyone.
I have gone right from one man to another my whole life. Currently married, but recently separated, a rocky relationship of over 20 years with children. Prior relationships were a few that lasted a few years and were brief or near engagements. I've had unrequited love, inappropriate relationships, short-lived relationships, dates that didn't click, a few encounters that were just sexual, but most all relationships were with emotional attachment and mutual.
If you're interested in reading my other posts, you'll see that due to the dysfunction of my marriage, I am traumatized by sex now and don't want to even have it again. :-(
BPD, ADHD? IDK
P.s. It all started with a drug-induced date rape that took my virginity at 16.
And a father who was despondent and smoked himself to death when I was 12.
|
ADHD was the best diagnosis I ever had because it explained why I was always such a fvck up. I took that as the contributing factor for the demise of all of my relationships too - need a new bright shiny object.
We could call it falling out of love but if it's REALLY love it shouldn't go away. Especially for the reasons I drove them away. And no lie, the three nicest guys that I fvcked over were also INCREDIBLE in bed. Like I said, they worshiped me and aimed to please.
That feeling like I don't belong with anyone is where I am now. I'm a perfectionist. People think that means I like everything perfect which is only part of it. I won't do anything if I don't believe I can do it perfectly, whether that's EVER or at that point in time. My house is a wreck because I put off so much stuff b/c I can't do it "right" at this time. I did a Google search for "Extreme Perfectionism" and came up with
Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I really thought that might be my biggest problem until that led me to this place and I took the sanity quiz and the thing that was MOST highlighted - more so than the diagnoses I actually HAVE, was BPD. But the OCPD thing fit me like this. Not all of them, but quite a few which I marked bold here.
- Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost
- Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)
- Is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity)
- Is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification)
- Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value
- Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things
- Adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes
- Shows significant rigidity and stubbornness
Also sorry about your messed up youth. My Dad died when I was 13 and he spent the better part of his last year in the hospital, with one side of his body paralyzed due to stroke. And HE was the one who fulfilled our emotional needs. Mom never did anything with us unless it was something she wanted to do. Dad is the one who took us to the park, zoo, ice skating, bike riding, beach, amusement parks, etc. Because he was sick he retired early and came on EVERY SINGLE ONE of my class trips in 6th grade and we went on a LOT of trips. Then he was gone.
I'm an idiot that gave it up to the first person who showed me attention. He honestly never led me on as if he wanted more - I was just that effed up that I did it. That pattern continued. For all the things I did - especially later - I would lie to myself and say I was being an independent woman - being uninhibited and owning my sexuality which in all honesty was BS. It was just more of the same.
But thank you both so much for chiming in.