The scores were from PsychCentral. Two therapists have said I was, years apart, but I've never received a diagnosis from a doctor.

I went in for evaluation at a psych ward the day after that incident, and they grilled me, but... It was frustrating, because after confirming that my vitals were OK and I wasn't in any danger of killing myself, they just gave me some therapy resources and sent me on my way.

I'm being tested again on the 28th. It sucks having to wait a week to get any confirmation or to start being helped, though.

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Also, I was going to post this anyway (hope you all don't mind if I use this thread as a diary), but regarding the "hope you don't permanently lose a friend" part, there have been other situations like this. Some my fault, some not.

In every case, the person has come back, or has answered my messages somewhere between two months and three years later, even though I was convinced we'd never speak again. In one case, he ended up being my most reliable friend.

...Except one, that is. There was one time I messaged a girl I was fairly close friends with too much, and she just disappeared without a word. It's been three years since I've heard from her, and I kept sporadically reaching out (once a year or so) the whole time. That one was painful.

I sometimes wonder if maybe every close friendship comes to this point - where one does something truly vile, they don't talk for a long time, but if one reaches out and the other forgives them, that's when a lifelong friendship is formed. That's just a passing thought, though.

Right now, I'm still hurting tremendously and can't get over the idea that it's my responsibility to keep talking to him, and there must be SOMETHING I can say to get him to talk to me.

It's kind of a mindf--k, because all through the two major depressive episodes he's had, he'd ignore me, so I'd do that and it always worked if I was persistent enough. I'll admit the stress and fear from it ate me alive, though.

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(Also, yes, I've heard that compulsively talking this much about things that bother you is itself a symptom of BD.)