(((((((((((((((((((((((( wisewoman))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know you did what you feel you need to do for "you" right now. I hope you get maybe some small understanding or placement from this, if nothing else.

I've seen my father approximately 5 times in my adult life. I saw him last November for the first time in 14 yrs. He had been calling here (when drinking) and every single time we would freak completely out...not being able to remember "that was then, this is now". He talked about how ill he is, etc, every time. Finally, I looked at t and said, "I'm going to see him!" I needed to go and see him. If he's and old frail man, I needed to know this...parts of me needed to know and accept this. I wanted no more fear of this man. T was amazed, and, after discussing all of the safety issues, hubby and I went to see him.

I was in shock at his appearance and frailty. That needed to be seen by parts of me as well. I took a camera for pictures to remember him as his is now, long after I returned home. I'm glad for the contact with him then for many reasons. It's helped so much of me with issues surrounding fear and PTSD. Also, he just had his left lung and part of chest wall removed. He has cancer. I went to be with him during his surgery and even stayed all nite! amazing. For me, this was the right thing to do. I did this for the man that I remember before he went bad. He was the one who taught me love and emotion. He loved me. He was also a lifer in the marine corps and a severe alcoholic, and after time he became very ill and very mean for different reasons. But when I was younger, he was the one who made me feel special, loved and important. I went to him because of that man I once knew. I have absolutely no regrets. We talk occasionally now and it's been one of the most healing relationships within my family. I could go into more about the father, but it would probably be too triggering. But, I did something to try and let go of some fear that was hurting me, and it worked. I expected nothing from this man and he's capable of very very little. Therefore, he didn't disappoint me. I had a clear motive before I was in contact and because of that I wasn't let down or upset or anything.

I think the same was for you. You didn't have any high expectations for your father. You wanted to talk to him for some reason(s) that are all your own. I do hope you received just a small piece of what you needed out of that initial call. I do understand you disappointment in not being validated on certain things...after all this time especially. One thing that still stands out to me when seeing the father here is....how differently things are remembered! And I must say, he remembers them to benefit him and his memory, lol.

WW, maybe you're doing what you need to do with your birth family so you just don't have to wonder "what if" anymore. I did what I did for my own reasons (when everyone else was worried for my safety emotionally and simply didn't understand why I would want to see this completely evil man). I have no regrets. I never received one sorry. I never received one validation. I think for the first time in my life I saw him for who and what he was...a sick old man...who is my father. I do hope you get exactly what you're looking for when contacting your birth family. I would just be very clear about what I was doing it for and what I expected to result...for emotional safety.

extra (((((((((((((((((((( ww ))))))))))))))))))))) right now. What you're attempting to do is hard. I pray you get some small peace/understanding.

Be safe and I'll be thinking about you,

Kimmydawn