I think I understand what you mean, Alex. I feel similarly in therapy, but as usual, I come from both sides of the extreme. On one hand, I have difficulty being in the same room with him. It is overwhelming and intense. I have told him that sometimes I cannot look at him and the reason that I often close my eyes while we are talking is because I feel too much for him.... and the notion of being in the same room with this person who I am that attached to and have "that" (I wouldn't dare use the word erotic) kind of transference for, gets to be a little too much. Those are the times in which I want to tell him everything by email. Or morse code. The one time when "told" him I wished for him to hold me I had written it all down and given it to him in session. He read it in front of me while I covered by face with my hands. I, too, am not renowned for my emotional maturity and told him, "Great. Now I am participating in therapy like a junior high school student-- passing you notes."

On the other side of the extreme is the reason why I can't do a phone session and why I have only used the psychoanalytic couch once in the 2 years we have been working together-- my need to have f2f contact because I am blown away by how %#@&#! engaged he is when we are together. I have never seen anyone look that engaged when I talk. In addition, I see that a lot of what he feels when I speak comes out in non-verbals. So I see it in his face, his eyes, etc.... and I need that. I need to see him scratching his stupid Freudian goatee when I'm rambling on about something.

That being said, I do spend a majority of the time looking at everything in the room except for him. One time (while looking straight at him) I told him about the two cracks in the ceiling that run parallel, the part of the wall where the lumping is moldy.... I have spent so much time not looking at him that I have memorized the room.

I don't think that not wanting f2f contact is avoiding the connection. Whether or not there is f2f contact, emotional connection still exists. This connection existed for me during the session on the couch in which I was faced away from him... and one of the strongest connections I ever felt towards him came one day during a brief phone call. So no, I don't think this is necessarily about avoiding a connection. It sounds like you still very much want to be connected with him; however, there are aspects of yourself that you would like to protect. And perhaps you feel the need to protect him as well.

Oh, and feel better by the way.