thank you.

for me... it is his voice. he has a very soothing voice. when i hear his voice i visualise myself being held and rocked and cuddled and soothed... i get all that from his voice. it was a little odd talking to him on the phone to start with... but it was his voice and so it was okay. with emails... it is hard to tell... i figure i could read his voice into his emails only... he won't SAY the things he would say irl by email. he just says 'i'm not sure what is needed'. he seems... it seems like he feels inadequate to respond by email. like it won't mean anything because of the lack of other cues. but all i need is the words and i can summon the voice. and the voice summons everything else. and the other cues (his leaning forward was nice - but typically...) the other cues just get me feeling really very distressed and hyperaroused and confused and wanting to tear my hair out and hit him and start running into walls and throwing things around and curling up on the floor and screaming and running away and all kindsa crazy stuff :-(

i haven't told him anything much about my feelings for him. said a little by email about wishing he could hold me... i said today on the phone that i was amazed at the feelings i had for mr. man because i've never felt that way before and i thought i was incapable of it. i said that it scared me a little how much of my insecurites and stuff that mr. man brought up for me, though. talked a bit about how i can't trust my feelings because they are so changeable and i need a couple days to figure out what is going on with them (how much is in the past and how much is in the present). i said that mr. man was great about all that, though. listened to me and said reassuring things and was fine later when i apologised about over-reacting. he said that it sounded like he was sympathetic and understanding and i was like 'yeah'. that i was worried i might be idealising and the inevitable end was devaluing... but that i haven't felt this way about anyone before so i wanted to try and make things work.

but of course i have felt that way about people before. it is just that they are unsuitable / unavailable people. like... my t. mr. man reminds me a bit of my t. BLUSH. see... all this stuff that i could tell him by email (and maybe over the phone) but i really COULDN'T say ftf. :-(

yeah. protect him... don't want to hurt him :-( don't want to make him feel uncomfortable :-( i know he is working hard to try and get me to make disclosures to him rather than prattling on about work stuff. but... he is trying to balance that with trying to get me to feel stuff and feel the feelings in the present rather than dissociating from them. but... i can't do both. i can't do both at the same time. i can't. not while he is there with me. it is too much :-(