Perhaps it's miscommunication then. I didn't think you actually wanted me to clarify anything. I thought you were just stating that I'm confusing. As far as clarification, I'm not sure what to say except that sometimes I feel like no one wants me when I remember that I haven't had a real relationship yet. All the guys I've dated, either I wasn't interested in them, or I was really interested and almost desperate for them to love me, being careful not to show it, and they rejected me. I've actually been friendzoned a few times when I asked for more, which so many men online think is not possible for women to experience.

My sister and I have always had a bit of sibling rivalry and ambiguity, although most of the time we get along well. She sometimes admits being jealous of me, and sometimes I get jealous of her. I honestly can't tell you why I felt the way I did that night, but the mix of feeling unwanted and unattractive because I still haven't gotten a guy to screw me, and her having all the fun in comparison, made me boil in a mix of rage, inadequacy and jealousy that I have never known, and to be honest is still a mystery to me. I also accidentally skipped my meds the night before, so that may have helped cause the mental breakdown.

Believe me, I know it's wrong now. I know that being a virgin doesn't necessarily mean that I'm ugly and no guy wants to have sex with me, or that I need to compare myself to anybody, or that I should care if anybody thinks I'm "less than" because I'm still a 25 year old virgin. I just want to wait for a guy I actually care about, who's attractive to me and interested in similar things with a compatible personality, before I rush into meaningless sex. Sometimes it's hard, though, when it feels like everyone else is having sex and you're the only one who isn't, and there must be something wrong with you if you're not. I still haven't found a guy who I'm compatible with.

It's even harder when people assume that if you haven't been in a relationship by now, you must be immature and stupid. Maybe I am.

I knew I could just buy her a new bottle, and I did after that trip, but I panicked and imagined her coming home and just screaming at me, not understanding or having any sympathy, but cutting into me demanding an answer to why I would knowingly do that to something of hers, in front of everybody, and everybody else would also think badly of me, call me crazy and never forgive me again- or at least never view me in the same way again.

I also have massive problems with guilt. Being a victim is easy, because you get to feel entitled to happiness. It's fun to vilify the villain forever until the day you BECOME the villain- and you know that people want you to feel bad, that you don't deserve any better, and they don't want to forgive you ever because you're a "bad person" who can never be good and who dies at the end of the movie, and everyone rejoices in the villain's death. It's like once someone decides you're "bad", that's the end of the story. You're bad through and through until you're dead.