First off, I just wanted to say to the likely many lurkers here who are having attraction issues with their Ts or with others in positions of authority... listen up y'all, if someone says to you, "Some people are SO concerned with boundaries, but you can relax, you're safe with me," THIS PERSON IS NOT SAFE. This is the person you RUN AND DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM. This is the T that you DO NOT WANT.

There are studies that have shown that being casual with boundaries is correlated with being less likely to maintain them: couples who have an action plan if they find themselves in a questionable situation with someone to whom they are attracted are LESS likely to cheat than couples who rely on being in lurv and deny that any plan is needed. It's funny because sometimes there's the criticism that if you can really be trusted not to cheat on your SO, you ought be able to sleep naked next to your celebrity crush and have nothing happen. That's a very nice thought, but it's not very reflective of reality. I and the other people I know who avoid spending time alone with people to whom I'm finding myself a bit attracted aren't doing so because we're sex-crazed maniacs who will instantly get it on with the first person we're allowed to be alone with.

Same with my T. I don't see him as so attracted to me he needs to rein himself in. I see him as working hard to maintain the balance between boundaries that protect our relationship (the analogy being, not going out to a fancy one-on-one dinner with a married friend-who-might-be-more), and being open enough that we're able to be honest and close (the analogy being, not having boundaries that are so strict that I never speak to any men ever that are not my husband).

So that's the T you DO want. If your T is saying "We have good chemistry, but there are boundaries here that shouldn't be crossed," and actually seems interested in maintaining those boundaries, THAT IS A GOOD THING.

Second, I actually wasn't really talking so much about sex stuff. My T does that all the time, although he comes from a psychoanalytic orientation so he's more of a "blank slate" than most. A good example would be what happened during the 2008 election. That election was really important to me, and it was on my mind a lot so I sometimes brought it up in therapy. So was an election that happened in my state in 2010. It made me a little anxious sometimes to talk about it, though, because I didn't know my T's political leanings. Initially he didn't come right out with it, because it was important to figure out what it would mean to me. And also, he had to ask himself -- am I bringing myself into the room in order to help Sally, or will this just be adding something that doesn't need to be there and will distract from the substance of what she's bringing up? Eventually, it was clear that if he just came right out and said that he was of the same affiliation as me, it would ease my anxiety and make it easier for me to talk, and not really do much more than that, so it was just the right thing to do, for me specifically.

So I suppose he is "unusually self-aware" in the same way that I am "unusually good at problem-solving", and he is a therapist and I am a scientist. If you asked him, he'd say self-awareness is part of the job description, and having seen lots of therapists in my lifetime, I'd have to agree. That doesn't mean all Ts are self-aware; it means the competent ones are. It's not exactly setting a high bar to expect such a thing. A T who isn't very thoughtful about what he/she is bringing into the room is doing their client a massive disservice. We can argue about whether this is something most Ts do, or whether it's just a few. The point is that if your T *isn't* doing it, you deserve better. And if there's attraction in the room, it becomes an even bigger red flag.