Also, I just realized how much I've been unconsciously repeating myself when it comes to describing his MDD. That's definitely a sign that it affected me.

--Entering journal mode--

...And yeah, it did. I'll admit I have severe abandonment problems. My parents separated before I was born, my mom was abusive growing up, I've moved a lot, and as I've mentioned, I've pissed off, been disappointed by, or grown apart from a lot of people. In large part due to my BD, I guess, a lot of people I cared about have just ghosted.

My last ex started ignoring me and stonewalling me in the exact same way towards the end - but in her case, it was for different reasons - and I responded by lashing and out and exploding at her, after which she told me she never cared about me and just wanted to use me. I'm over it now, and we did end up talking again last Christmas, three years afterwards, and she revealed she was a diagnosed psychopath... ("But psychiatrists don't use that term," you might be thinking. And you're technically right, but she is. It's a long story.)

...But at the time, it was so hurtful that I remember it as being one of only two times I've gone catatonic for days and just barely spoken or functioned beyond the bare minimum. Had nightmares about it right up until the time we started speaking again.

When I became friends with this guy, I was convinced I'd finally found someone I could rely on, and that even though we weren't relationship material, no matter what happened with this guy, we'd stay close, lifelong friends. And it was even worse because he promised he wouldn't do that and we'd always work things out.

(When he'd ignore me for long periods while still updating social media, though, I'd sometimes snap and accuse him of trying to, though, which is - in the end - probably why this is happening. The cumulative effect of it was just too much.)

Anyway, when it started happening again this time... Forgive my Tumblr language, but it was a huge trigger. I clung way too hard, fell into a deep depression, and lost 15 pounds over two months. I hate to use the term "traumatic" to describe something that most people could just tank - and he'd probably be a mixture of freaked out and disgusted with me if he knew I was writing all this - but... Yeah. All the same nightmares, panicking, trying to get in touch with him multiple times a day, trying to bargain, etc.

Doubly so after the friendship ended. After the initial denial period, I'll admit I was suicidal after realizing I'd ruined a close friendship AGAIN. It's passed now, but that's why I had to go to a psych ward. I realize it's not anyone's responsibility to put up with that level of neurosis, and it's too much to ask of most people. Which is why I'm sorry for my half of it even though he's the one who ghosted me.

I did warn him over and over that I had BD, though, and that things like this might happen. I'll admit I'm extremely angry sometimes, but again, it's not my aim to smack-talk him when he's not around to defend himself.

--Exiting journal mode--

But strangely enough, I'm starting to recover in... Physical ways, I guess? After we stopped talking, I started eating again, I've been sleeping less, getting to work on time more. I still feel mostly horrible, but that's progress?

I know it's possible he'll come around eventually. And I probably will end up talking to him again - maybe after the 30 days have expired, maybe before - and wishing him a happy birthday next year, at least - but for now, it's just safer to operate under the assumption that he won't, and that he either doesn't give a s--t about talking to me anymore, or he's so angry that he's just done. Very cynical perspective, I know, but it's better than false hope.

Anyway, those deep-seated issues are what I'm hoping to work out in therapy.

If you're still reading this, thanks. Having a consistent place to post all this stuff, where people can follow the whole story and respond, instead of trying to talk to random people about it, helps massively.