For some reason the second half of the day is usually the hardest. All those anxious, confused and upsetting thoughts come out to play and wreak havoc on my mood.

I haven't had an outlet for these devastating periods so my hope is to get some kind of relief by putting it out into the world. I wish these feelings on no one, but maybe it would feel better knowing I'm not the only one.

From the outside looking in my life has improved immensely in the last year since my diagnosis. I've just bought a new car, I have a job where I'm treated extremely well and am on my third "promotion". I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and he's stuck by me and been unbelievably patient and kind through my ups and downs, even though he should've left my crazy *** a long time ago!

Even with all of these great things I'm feeling so.. Empty. So lackluster. Like something's missing. And it aches when I think about it, deep in my chest like a black hole that will suck up every good emotion. This is nothing like depression where I feel heavy and sluggish, nor mania which feels like I'm dancing through the world. I'm not medicated, but am very self aware so don't find it necessary day to day. Ive been subconsciously gathering triggers and coping mechanisms for years, even before diagnosis, but many of those things are unavailable to me now and many of them I no longer have the passion for.

Where did my zest for life go? Will it ever come back? These are the questions that haunt me as I think about how I'm going through the motions of life. Who's life am I living if not my own, and why can't I be grateful for everything that I have?

So I sit at my desk and do my best not to cry on the days I don't have something distracting enough to quiet my mind.

"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind?"


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