Hi everyone,
I don't know if this is the right place to be posting..? Can you tell that my faith in my judgement is at an all-time low?
I am two and a half years out of a six year marriage, we tried to have a baby and after multiple miscarriages and grief, our relationship collapsed. I met a guy online, after many dud's, who seemed "perfect"..Bright, handsome, articulate.We had so much fun and so much in common. He treated me like I was the best thing since sliced bread. Anyway, his exhuberent closeness gave way to other things as we spent more time together. I noticed that he resented my time with my friends, wanted to know where I was day and night, and if he couldn't get me on the phone, he'd have a fit. And then there would be some distancing. Then he started accusing me of "keeping secrets" and of" seeing other men" He's ask me to swear that he was the only one, which was shocking to me. I had never experienced this before and I tried to reassure him. He's also say," I find you very secretive and something is wrong here, I can just feel it." He became obsessed with pleasing me sexually and if I didn't have an orgasm he'd be disappointed (in me!) "Why can't I please you?!" I'd say, "well you're putting too much emphasis on this, you need to let me relax a bit" He started breaking up with me or threatening to, every two-three weeks. I couldn't predict these mood changes and I tried very hard to figure out what was going on. He'd say, "you're too complicated" "I've never had this in my previous relationships" "I don't trust you" All the time I'd be defending myself but I was losing confidence. No one has ever made me feel so great and then rip the rug out from under me, at a moments notice. I broke off with him twice and he begged me to take him back but it would start again, very soon after we got back together. The breaking point for me came yesterday, we were to have lunch together and I was a bit late coming home. In the mean time, he went through my mail, found a letter from a cancelled follow-up appt. with a doctor that I saw after my miscarriages and marriage collapse. I was part of a study, and I have a follow-up with this doctor that I haven't been to yet. He didn't tell me that he's gone through my mail, he just started grilling me and asking me if i was seeing a therapist, if I had anything to share with him, he was like a sargent..I told him about the programme that I had been in etc. and then he pulled out the letter which he had opened..I was so disturbed that he had opened my mail. Anyway, I wrote to him later and said that I couldn't live like this, he had to deal with his issues and I cancelled our dinner. He called and screamed at me on the phone, never apologizing for reading my mail, and said, "You're too difficult" "I didn't do anything wrong" "I can't trust you" "I made a nice dinner for you but you don't care" "I never want to speak to you again"..He's said that before...I feel so very ****** and low about myself even though I know there is something wrong with him. But why do I feel abandoned and like I have done something wrong? I know that I have to stay away from him but "WHY"? do I feel so ****** about my self??!!
Can someone please explain?
Thanks for listening.