Hey, so like I said, I've been thinking about this, and I'm hoping you won't mind if I ask you a few questions so that it's more of a dialogue. If I've learned anything from being on PC for a while, it's that there's no one-size-fits-all answer to anything!

I feel like any time I've hit a point where I'm thinking I need more from my T with regard to the whole attraction thing, there's kind of two sides of it that need to be addressed (which aren't really separate from each other, but they are at least somewhat distinct): the more pragmatic side (how it will affect my therapy in the most immediate way) and the "tell me about your mother" side (in which the feelings themselves get examined way beyond what any normal person would want to think about them).

You probably know the standard-issue reasons therapists don't talk much about themselves... a lot of it is usually to keep their issues out of the room, so that instead of being like a typical dialogue, the focus is really on you. In addition, a lot of therapists are really interested in seeing what crops up when you fill in the blanks yourself. Sorry if I'm just spouting off stuff you already know.

Anyway this gets even more complicated with romantic/sexual feelings, because even stating those feelings can be misinterpreted as seductive even when they aren't meant to be. So I'd guess a lot of therapists, mine included, become even more cautious than usual because it's a really sensitive area. (And sometimes I get the impression that they are just as uncomfortable as we are, but they get to just sit there and not say anything, which I am frequently pointing out to my T, and it's probably annoying but he can deal .)

That's the "pragmatic" side, I guess -- not wanting to introduce anything extra to an already complicated situation. He may also avoid it in order to see how you fill in the blanks with your transferential feelings. How do you experience his not telling you? Does it feel withholding? Or like punishment? Or like nothing much other than an annoyance? And everyone's favorite question: what does it remind you of from your past experiences?

There could be other reasons, though, that specifically have to do with what he thinks is good for you. Have you asked him why he doesn't say much about it? I imagine that, especially if you frame it the way you did to me, he'd be willing to talk about his reasoning.

For me, for instance -- and this relates to what you said below -- not this T, but another T I saw briefly, pointed out how much I seem to need to take care of other people in my interactions with them (including him). I simply can't filter out their experience, so the more I know, the more it influences my interaction. My current T has often pointed out how quickly I pick up what's going on with him even when he's said nothing at all about it. So for him it's a balancing act: if he doesn't tell me stuff but I know something is up, it can lead to confusion and frustration and ultimately end up hurting me. But if he tells me too much, I can get overwhelmed by it. Poor man certainly earns that insurance check. Anyway, that's one thing about me that I'm sure he factors in when he's thinking about what to disclose.

You know the same thing occurs to me sometimes. This is one of those things, actually, that I don't directly ask my T about. Not that I think he'd answer, but even if he did, this falls under the category of "things I am not sure I want to know". Although it bugs me in the back of my mind, and I probably do talk less than I might otherwise about when and how things are going well with my H, I somehow manage to do it, I think because the nagging doubt that it doesn't bother my T too much is something I can allow to win over long enough for me to say something. But yeah. I think about this too.

Anyway, I guess what I'd say to you then is, what would knowing do for you?How do you envision yourself responding to any given answer? What if it doesn't bother him -- will you feel annoyed and slighted? What if it does bother him -- will it make it even harder for you if you know for sure? Or will having it out in the open make it easier for you to acknowledge it, and move on from it? Only you can really answer these.

It's interesting, I didn't actually know for certain that my T reciprocated some feelings for me (and in reality, I don't really know a lot of detail about them still) until recently. When I'd gotten to a point where I didn't feel like it made a difference if I knew or not. I mean ok, it makes a difference, but overall not really. One day he decided to tell me simply and directly and... nothing happened, guys. We didn't jump into each other's arms and hump like bunnies. Things just went on, especially since deep down I already knew. For me, though, I go through these periods where this evil side to my brain starts dismantling every good thing I believe about myself, and you bet your buns that one thing it used to use against me was the fact that although I *sensed* my T's feelings, I didn't know for sure. Now I can say HA, IN YOUR FACE EVIL BRAIN. But earlier on, it might have introduced a lot of extra angst for us to talk about it so openly. I don't want to turn this into a post entirely about me, but I can be more specific if you like.

Anyway, working with a T I'm attracted to has helped me learn a lot about myself. Most directly, it helped me think more deeply about why I seem to fall in love with every male authority figure who is remotely nice to me, except without running the risk of said male taking advantage of me. But it's helped me think deeply about things I picked up from my parents, and about the nature of my relationship with my husband. I had never realized, for instance, how little I told my H about what I was feeling, and how much he needed for me to say more.

So, my advice to you would be to ask lots of questions, be patient about the answers, and try not to worry too much if things aren't going where you expected them to go. Also, if you haven't already, it helped me a LOT to form relationships with PC people who were struggling with similar things. No one really gets it like someone who's in it! It's different for everyone -- for instance, while it was better for me not to talk too directly about T's feelings, it can be much more beneficial to someone else to be direct right away -- but even the differences can help you figure out more clearly what you need.

Hope this helps!