I'm reluctant to keep writing, because I don't want the people of this forum to think I'm some kind of obsessed stalker. Plus, if he knew I was saying all this stuff, he'd probably never talk to me again.
But... This is a better outlet for my feelings than giving in to the temptation to break down and talk to him, I guess.
My mind's swinging wildly between extremes right now.
Right now, mostly, the anger I'd felt towards myself is being turned outward.
"I'd never do this to someone I cared about unless they were threatening my life. Never, no matter how bad things got. Yes, we argued a lot, yes I made a lot of mistakes, but so did he. Is our whole friendship invalidated because of this, after I spent months helping him out? And he used to post stuff on social media about forgiveness, where is it now?"
But I can't let that bubble over.
I'm also scared. I can still use chat on my phone, so I've considered asking if we could talk about this, but every time I've gone on, he's been offline. As I said, he didn't block me, so I know he's legit offline. Which is weird. The whole time I've known him, he's been online without fail every night. He hasn't, lately.
Keeping things as vague as possible, he's got a very sick family member. Last time he stopped coming online like that, that family member was in the hospital. So I'm conflicted. What if that person's dying or something? Shouldn't I try talking again?
No. Don't ruin the dignified apology I made. If this is over, that was the best note to leave it on.
Can't wait for my therapy session tomorrow.
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