OMG, you are just like me, feel alone/lonely and yet run away from others. I don't even make myself available. The story of my life. Hello!! I don't think about the meaning of sex as much, though. May be because of my gender, I don't know.

I agree with you, people are "narcissistic" in essence, in the sense that they are absorbed in themselves, and they approach you as much as they can find value for themselves in the relationship with you. Sad fact but true. Even what we call love, isn't pure. There is a narcissistic element into it. That is why I think humans invented the concept of divine love, as in Christianity. There is a complete book by Elder Porphyrios called "Wounded by Love" speaking about divine love.

I think all humans' relationships, in principle, are relationships with mutual benefits. Even people who try to help others, they don't do it for others as much as for themselves (at least equally), because it feels good at the moment or because of reputation and social image. But I think all can benefit from that.

At the end, whether we like or not, this life is a game with its own rules. If you want to participate, you have to obey the rules, if not you cannot play. I have difficulties accepting both, that is why I am suffering day and night to be part of life. I wish I can just accept my loneliness and devout my time to something else, like something intellectual, and forget all about relationships, because it drains my energy. But at the moment, I cannot. In the future? May be.

**What do you mean by you "see no benefit"? What are the exact thoughts triggered in your head in such situations?