To be able to sit with someone who can not only hear but truly understand your emotions or lack of and so on..... How nice this must be for the one's who do get this. I don't know if because of my traits I feel that this cannot happen for me, or that simply two therapists have failed and I just gave up. I really don't know the answer but what I feel is that finding the spiritual side to reason with may be my only outlet. I did go to church this past Sunday and will continue on this as I believe it is only God who can help me now. The professional route seems to be so misguiding and non achievable for me. My thoughts on "my" therapist's are that when they don't understand they begin to produce their need's by projecting what they know onto me. Some type of coping mechanism for themselves I suppose. To not feel so helpless in their own profession it may be that they have to discuss with me what they are comfortable in helping. What I mean by helping is creating an issue for me that they can recognize, even when it's not there. You see, I have the desire to be healed. How great it would be for therapy to be the fix for me. I just cannot see this as the way for myself. I don't mean to make it sound so simple as I do understand therapy works by what "WE" put in. To have someone (more than one) look at you in a way as if I am speaking a foreign language is always so noticeable. This baffles me especially when one is supposedly trained in doing so. Therapy is so broad and I love to look up their self proclaimed "experience with" when they list as many lines of expertise as a short story has. I suppose if I found that "therapist" who deal's with NPD as their only routine, maybe I would have a shot. Seem's to be unlikely though as those list's of self proclaimed knowledge only grow's by the visit. I do not want to feel the way I do any longer, to hold on and continually magnify all the bad that has happened. It's not like I store it away in that dark spot in my mind, I see it always. I allow the pain to internalize and play it over and over again. I really wish I could become a much happier person. one who can see a simple gesture and feel really good about it. To see someone else's emotions and care about them. To be present!!! I have a sickness that allows me to seem so strong and non-caring. The truth is I want to be happy!!! I want to care more and understand others for real. I dislike the fact that my understanding is based on a story rather than true emotion. I am a f&*#@ng robot and it sucks!!! My point of this long story is that I think my only way of self preservation is through God. As cliche this may be for a NPDer to think!!! I cannot believe that a person can help me. needs to be so much bigger than that, at least I feel. A-typical has caused me many times to go back and re-read what I write before I hit post. Today I am going back to my roots and posting without proofing. Make's it so much more real for me to do this way. So with that being said, expect mistakes and improper grammar. This is real and unedited.....