well 3 years later and I came back to see what others had to say. I think was I wrote in one monolithic block but have been too daunting for most people. thank you jaynedough for taking the time.
At the time, I believe I was still in therapy but one day I mentioned to my therapist that I did not want to be in therapy forever so she said, "great, let's plan on transitioning you out over the next month or so" and I agreed but then I went in the next week and she said I was done and that I should have tools to go on. I did not understand and still don't really - I feel that she kicked me out - and of course with me being me did not question this or tell her how I felt - but after 2 years she should have known me enough.
That's water under the bridge though.
What I had to say 2 years ago is still largely true except I have made some improvements.
1) I've started to get involved in tech meetups that I attend but of course I don't interact with anyone.
2) I've enrolled in a college that is focused on adult learning and have just started to take classes there.
3) I have managed to get out hiking a little lately which makes me happy.

I still watch youtube videos of burning man but I still know it will never happen.

my problems of fear and basing everything I do on my thoughts that it will make others think positively of me continues. even though I know that's not true - its not what others think of me, its what I think of me and even though most people that I know would think positively of me, because I don't, I believe that I have to do things that make me like myself.