Nuala, I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. You feel bad because you are still locked in the abusive relationship with him, even though you are "2 1/2 years out of a 6 year marriage." There are a couple of books I read on verbal and emotional abuse that were very good. I highly recommend them. They really helped me understand more my husband's patterns and motivations for treating me the way he did/does (I have been married for 20 years and have started divorce proceedings).

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. This book was instrumental in helping me realize that what I was experiencing was abuse. It's still hard for me to say that word....

No Visible Wounds: Identifying Non-physical Abuse of Women by their Men Really thoughtful book--hit home for me.

Nuala, good luck. Have you considered therapy with a counselor experienced in working with clients who have experienced abuse?