" I do not want to feel the way I do any longer, to hold on and continually magnify all the bad that has happened. It's not like I store it away in that dark spot in my mind, I see it always. I allow the pain to internalize and play it over and over again." quote Underground

This is from constant internal fear and a need to protect your boundaries. I think it's a good idea to get involved with church. Also, the kind of therapist you would probably do better with is a trauma specialist. You should have someone you can sit with and feel safe to open up to rather then a general psychologist that doesn't really specialize in trauma work as I think you need to finally open up about these things that play over and over again in your mind. I think that deciding that only God can help you might be looking for some kind of perfection, and what you need is to learn how to let go of perfectionism. Human beings were designed to "feel emotions" and that includes men. If you pursue God, then do so understanding that you can be forgiven for not being perfect, if you pursue God, it must not be to strive for perfection, no man is truely perfect.