My need to "report" here after my session never goes away either, but there's no time limit here, at least!

We cleared up so many things because I started out with my email, after the settling in time, in which I noticed T wasn't wearing her glasses. First, she told me that not wanting to hear my report has nothing to do with not caring about me. She said that I get disappointed when there's not enough time left after telling her about my week. That there isn't time to get to the deeper issues. I can talk about my week with others, but I can't do therapy with them. I agreed with her. She still believes that all parts are welcomet.

I tried to explain why I told her I didn't like her glasses. We agree that I want someone in real life to be attracted to. She said "maybe I should wear my glasses then!" So I won't be attracted to her, but she was joking, I think. She did mention countertransference, and wondered if I criticized others in my life like I do her. I used to criticize my H a lot, but I don't do it to friends. I think she finally understands about the "in love" part. I definitely felt differently today because she looked prettier to me. There's nothing to do but "notice that" and hope I'll eventually have a real person to feel that way about.

Then I told T I've been kind of depressed so we talked about my H. I wanted to cry but told her I felt like there's a wall between us. She asked if I could move it an inch. I couldn't. I keep telling her I don't want to cry with her when I'm about to, but that's the opposite of how I really feel! I would so much like to get rid of that wall! I also hold back my feelings. It was even hard to say the words "I miss him" because I can't let myself feel that. I hold back. Maybe that will change. I'm not afraid of my T. I've been seeing her 6 years now!

I finally asked if I could borrow her book, Attachment in Psychotherapy, by Wallin. I always see it on her shelf but I rarely ask to borrow her books. Now I'm too tired to read it but I know I will.

I totally forgot to tell her about my dream. Not sure if I will or not.

So, I'm back to feeling a little bit attracted to T again, but not in an intolerable way, and we had a productive session. She was pleased that I could talk about my H and do some grief work. I'm grieving so my feeling depressed and still overwhelmed is normal.

Thanks for reading this if you did.