First off, if you've ever suffered from anxiety, particularly existential anxiety, have ever had an existential crisis, or are at all sensitive to dark/nihilistic metaphysical ideas, I strongly recommend that you don't read further. I've read far too many forum posts, even ones on this website, from people who say they started obsessing over this because they read about similar experiences from other people online.

For eight years, I've had an on-and-off fear that I am essentially God, that I created the universe twenty-one years ago when I was born, and that I am the only person who truly exists. The entire world is nothing more than my lifelong, ongoing dream.

Typically, I would obsess over this for a few weeks and then forget about it for a year. But since last January, the feeling hasn't gone away. Since then, my certainty in solipsism has fluctuated from 90% to 10%. The depression it has given me, which was once pretty major, has definitely subsided a good amount since it began. But I still think about it dozens of times every single day. I overanalyze every minor coincidence in my life, worrying that they're "evidence" that the universe is my own fabrication. (This, too, is something I do a lot less often today than I did a few months ago. But I still purposefully avoid entering raffles or doing anything else that could result in something unlikely happening.)

There's no question in my mind that I should have gotten myself into therapy a year ago, because I was literally depressed then. (I never did.) But I'm not depressed now, or at least, I don't think I am. I'm often happy, and I don't despair or stress over my thoughts for hours on end anymore. But they still nag at me, and I am still uncomfortably uncertain about the world's existence. (At the moment, I'd say I'm only ~75% sure I'm not in an elaborate, 21-year-long dream right now.)

My thoughts honestly don't seem at all irrational to me. I've come up with many arguments both for and against my "theory," and from my point of view, they're all pretty sound. I've wondered if I have GAD or OCD, but my thoughts aren't the random, impulsive kind one usually hears about from people with those illnesses. I've thought about getting therapy, but I'm hesitant because of these reasons. I fear that there is nothing wrong with me, meaning that I cannot be "cured" or treated.

I know most of you guys aren't professionals and that it's impossible to diagnose me with limited info, but I'd nevertheless appreciate your input, just so I have some vague idea of what I should do about this, if I can even do anything. Probably worth noting: This isn't the only existential/philosophical/metaphysical crisis I've had. I've had several others in the past year, most of which I'm pretty much over with now. But I won't get into the details because jeez this is already way too long.