Was at work yesterday morning and realized I was replaying conversations with T in my mind ams getting great comfort from them.
Not the type of hamster wheel conversations I sometimes replay over and over in my head from therapy, where I'm trying to work through something. This was nice.

I caught myself doing this and compared it to what I use to do to TRY and get comfort before therapy, eg, find a hostage and try and get from them what I so desperately needed from my mother.

It never worked. I know now, I'm not that person anymore. My inner world has internalised enought of T's presence for it to be of use to me.

It is all paradoxical, I needed T to become interdependent. Without this, I was dependent, desperately hostage watching, planning, working out how I could get what needed from someone.

Now I get to find the me that was missing because of this past dependency way of living.

Those that think needing is weak, are missing out on the big picture. On how this life works. On how we humans grow to become human.