It seems I keep running into articles about how despicable people on welfare are, how entitled my generation is in not wanting any kind of hardship, and it's killing me.

8 months ago I ran away from home. That was my first mistake: I left because I'm too weak to just get over my "mental issues" that aren't real, and take the punishment I deserve for dropping out of college and living at home for free. I should have considered myself lucky to have been treated like a human being; my mother's favorite mantra during those two years was "You have no rights", and it was true. Yet I exploded at the sight of her, I felt trapped by the daily battles for internet, the constant intrusions into my room, and the constant phone calls in the last 8 months which only stopped because I can't pay for a phone anymore. She's right about another thing: I should have just killed myself instead of wasting everyone's time.

But the worst thing is how I tried to "escape" (which I had no right to do). I got myself on welfare. I admit, I thought I would be on for a couple of months, then have a job and could live as cheaply as I could. I live in one of the cheapest cities in the country: my rent has never been more than $350 for a single (poorly) furnished room, and the only reason I have a roommate now is because there was enough space in there for a bed. Living alone is supposed to be a luxury - I don't know if I'd be able to tolerate roommates my own age.

The point is, I'm welfare trash. And I always will be. I'm an evil, entitled, worthless thief ripping off everyone around me just by existing. I deserve to be dead.

What does a person look like after 8 months of no food? Because that's what I should look like. I have no right to be receiving benefits, handouts. If I ever get off, I'm going to beg social services to give me a bill - I've been thinking about this for a couple of days now - so I can pay back everything I stole from them. I've abused my food stamps so badly, I'm surprised they haven't taken them away from me. I almost want them to: let me starve like I deserve. I live on junk food for at least a few days out of each month, and sweets/snacks take up at least half of my food budget. I'm sort of in favor of disallowing FS to be used for junk food, but then I read some good points of "What, a person can't have a treat every now and then because they're poor?" Which makes sense, but for me it's not a "treat", it's a dietary staple.

I'm starting to just accept that I have no self-discipline, no self-control, no willpower, and no character. There's nothing I can do about that.

It's supposed to be extremely common for people my age to have to go days without food because they can't afford it: I don't and I dearly don't want to. I've been researching ways to cut food costs, and I personally want to get my own spending down to about $100/month. I believe this is totally doable for me where I live (cheap, remember), if I could stop snacking and embrace intermittent fasting. But I don't deserve to eat, certainly not in the insidious way I get my food money, yet I can't stop. I can't even control my own body.

My problem is no one will hire me. My mother tells me I don't want to work and just want to suck off the government for the rest of my life. I'll kill myself if this goes on for more than an extra year, I hate it so much. "Anyone can push a broom" she says; tell that to all the janitorial and housekeeping jobs that rejected me. "Anyone can file, you just need to know the alphabet"; no, you need much more than that and they DON'T F-ING HIRE FILE CLERKS ANYMORE. Any job like that will require much more than mindlessly filing and I'm not qualified. "Anyone can throw laundry in an industrial washer"; well, none of them are offering.

No one will even look at me; those that do reject me after the interview. I'm in so much debt, I'm desperate for money: I owe my mother a load of money and I intend to ask her to charge me even more to get those two years of hell off my conscience; my bank account is in the red, I own the phone company a month's bill, and I now owe my landlady money for supplies she lent me (the building where I live is a transition house where we all have chores. We are required to get our own supplies - I know how I can get a little money but not much...no idea how I'm going to pay her back, I don't receive checks like the other residents). People like me, according to articles, are lazy and don't want to work or take extra jobs to make ends meet, or we think we're too good for "embarrassing" jobs like cashiering or cleaning: I'll work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week with no holidays if you want, just give me a f-ing job so I have something that resembles human worth, so I can support myself and start paying my debts. I'll take anything. I don't actually find any jobs embarrassing: work is work. Work is money. Money will keep you alive.

If that's not enough, I've been having a bunch of health problems, but of course can't afford a doctor. I'm still on my parent's insurance (not sure how I feel about that....I'm almost indifferent to whether she keeps me on or kicks me off. I'll die either way), so I only owe copays, unless it's a hospital stay. Then, I plan on paying my mother back for those. I'm actually thinking of making an appointment since my thyroid started hurting, but I don't know what I'm going to do for money.

God, I'm sorry for writing this out. I suppose I needed to confess. I'm utterly wretched and feel like this is all I deserve. And I have no idea how to reconcile all the things I've done. What punishment is appropriate, what do and don't I deserve, and most of all, how the hell and I going to get out of this? And I'm talking subsistence here: self-supporting.

I don't know if anyone out there know what to do, or what kind of answers I need, but thanks for reading if you made it this far.