It feels really scary talking about feeling alone, it feels like announcing I've got a terminally infectious disease guaranteed to keep everyone away!!

I have spent massive trackts of my life being alone and longing for connection with others. Somehow belonging always seemed to be the luxury of others who were entitled to it - and not me. Eventually I got involved with and fell intensely destructively in love in an abusive relationship. This brought me into recovery for S.+L addiction. And a mind altering addiction it was too. I read the literature, took responsibilty and worked the steps. I loved the programme. But deep inside my longing persisted and I acted out again in a deeply destructive relationship. And again.

A few years ago I came accross an internet site that ex;plained my life. I realised I had a personality disorder. My first thought was, if I'd understood about all this 10 years before when I first cam to recovery those years would have been sober, I could have got recovery. My next thought was: wheres the fellowship for this?

Someone aske me here why dont I deal with this in al-anon, or acoa etc. I thought about this and realised, anything other than putting the focus full on the disorder would be like an opperation to remove an alein from inside me that kept cutting at its limbs and leaving the rest inside me to regrow. My disorder is schizoid, I cal it 'self in exile'. (sxd). It explains how one way or another I end up alone, and it is comforting to understand about this, but it is nonetheless painful at times, unmanagable sometimes. At meetings people connect with eachother rather than me. It feels to me like the humans around me have this way of relating that I dont. My dream is to have a room full of people who share these common issues and that we can work through together, using what we already know of the steps and traditions.
I know that these disorders are deadly serious, they kill people. I want to be able to use my experience to help others. I am taking all the steps I can to challenge myself and change my habitual behaviour. It feels like i'm outnumbered and overpowered at times. There are so many aspects to this disorder and deep understanding is availble which I'd love to share with others.

And yes, I tried therapy, and it was burning me up. I felt myself getting iller, heading towards the place of no return so I stopped. I'll say more about that another time,as this is already so long. I'd like to share here more about my day to day struggles with the various aspects of this. I know we heal in relationship, so I need to learn how to connect with others.

thanks for listening,
riverX