This post is about death so if this is a trigger please stop reading!

I have 3 children. Their young-ish.

8 yrs ago my family went thru a very tragic death of our 23month old niece who died in a very preventable household accident. It has done major damage in our lives, our marriage & our parenting.

But the situation I wanted to ask about started before this accident. Probably as being a new mom.

I'd wake from nightmares of losing my child in death to some horrible catastrophe etc & my reaction to it.
Sometimes I'd catch myself dissociating about an incident that left my child in my arms dead & how I felt & how I'd deal with this. The thoughts just race & get bigger & more graphic & worse.
I literally have to shake my head & yell at myself to stop it! Splash water on my face to calm myself down that I didn't need to think about this. It's all just a dream or idea.
So I stop.

Then I think...well what would I do? How would I feel? How would I handle this?
It could happen...anytime...any place. Maybe I do need to think about how I'd get thru it.

Then again I think....that'll never happen...my kids will grow, get older & I'll pass first. Like it's supposed to be.

Then again I think...but what if I'm wrong?

It happened a lot when I was a new mom. I not sure if that's normal. Then we had this death in our family & maybe feeling like something like this COULD happen brings it on occasionally. Do other parents think this way?
I know I can't dwell on it. Change the future or live in constant fear. I let my kids explore & attempt things that might hurt them i.e. Ride a bike w/o training wheels...that kind of stuff. I wouldn't say I'm overly protective. I know they will get hurt.

But the thoughts every once in awhile r really powerful & scare me.
Do you guys ever feel this way too? How do you handle these thoughts?

Thanks for your help!