Hello all,

My name is Jenny. I'm 55 years old, and am diagnosed with Bipolar II - most recently having psychotic episode(s) during a long depressive cycle.

(I'm new to using forums, so hope this is not proceeding incorrectly.) I'm very happy to find this forum, just to communicate with others who understand the bipolar illness, since IRL I can only talk to my doctor and fiance about it.

In yesterday's doctor appointment, discussing the past month, I described thinking I heard a radio playing in the next room. She said it was a hallucination, which was surprising. I responded that the "radio" thing had been going on since age 15, but never thought anything of it. We both previously thought my first-ever auditory hallucination occurred 2 months ago. (I have been in depression since September 2015.)

At another moment during the appointment, she identified two recent [ecstatic] experiences as being full-blown mania. Those experiences led me to recognize a long-dead passion, make a beautiful photo, and blog about how it came about 1 day before the session.

...So y'all, today it's really hitting home: I've been psychotic for 40 years, and didn't know it?! And the two times of profound happiness in the past 6 months were actually deepening illness?! (Not intending to judge or label anyone, just my interpretation of feelings.)

Now, I feel like I can't trust anything about myself. I felt damaged, before, but as a result of this information I feel really broken as a human. (Again, not judging or labeling anyone else, just my interpretation of feelings.)

I've had a couple of self-inflicted identity shakedowns already, the past few months, and now this one. Feeling knocked back to square minus-1. Anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you do, or or what emotional "point" (for lack of a better word) did you try to start over again from?

Thank you and much appreciation,
Jenny