So of course I was obsessed today about calling T. Finally, lunchtime came around and I called him and he picked up the phone. He said it was nice to hear my voice.

I said I wanted to make sure he was back and he said, yes he was back. I told him I was depressed and had crashed this week. I gave him the rundown of a few things that happened (my son's surgery, my sister's surgery, etc.). He said that was a lot to manage. He also said that now that I was finished school and working full time I would experience a whole different perspective. He said it would be easier. He said he would be around and I could call over the weekend if I needed to. Then he said, well I guess I'll see you on Tuesday and I choked a goodbye and hung up.

He didn't hear me. I wasn't able to convey how low I had sunk and how I am on such overload. I wasn't able to tell him about the SI urges and suicidal ideation I had experienced this week and how much pain I was in. As nice as it was to hear his voice we didn't connect. Maybe he did, but I didn't.

I cried alone in my classroom, sort of. I called my SIL (who I love dearly and who is a T herself). I told her I wanted to quit, that I didn't see the point in experiencing this pain...She explained that this "is" the trauma state, that I had too much invested to give up now. We talked for a while.

I called T back. I left a message that at the risk of feeling like an idiot, I needed to talk to him again...that he seemed so far away and that I felt ashamed when we spoke. He called back (I was with students) and left a message that we could talk either very late tonite (but unsure of what time) or tomorrow morning early while he was in the car. He said he was sorry I felt that way. He asked if I would let him know that I got the message and how I wanted to handle this.

I called again and left a message that I would call him early tomorrow morning.

Don't know what's next. Therapy is so hard.