This is very long and kudos to anyone who reads the whole thing. It really helped me to write it and process my feelings a little more. I’d love it is anyone wants to read my “novel” of an entry but I understand if a majority of you are like too long, skipping this one over
I know what I need to do but it is so difficult to actually do. I need to maintain healthy boundaries, not entertain my mother’s illness or delve into it.
It just really sucks because it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a constructive conversation with her. I feel like I am crazy the way she deflects and distracts me during our conversations, I don't know how to be more upfront with her. I can have conversations with any other person but if I have one with her it never works out.
Ok, so here is my mom in a nutshell: she is a homemaker, she has only driven a car a handful of times in my life, she does not have a relationship with anyone other than family and what family she does have a relationship is pretty much myself my Dad and my daughter. Most of her life she has been called shy or quiet. She will sit with people while they are talking and observe the conversation with a fixed smile and a nod every so often.
I used to think I was special because my mom relied on me, I would often talk to sales people on her behalf because she didn't have the confidence to speak her opinion. I remember screening phone calls because she didn't want to talk to anyone she didn't know or ducking down below the windows when someone knocked on the door and pretending no one was home.
I have always known my mom was different, but I truly loved her with all my heart. She was a deeply loving and compassionate woman who really put her entire being into her few relationships. I felt like we were in our own little bubble: Mom, Dad and me. It was us against the world, our thoughts where the only ones that mattered.
As I got older I started to realize how much different I was from my parents. They were highly conservative and Christian minded. When my Dad spoke his words where like hearing the voice of God. He was the man, he had the floor and he spoke the truth. I began to realize that his truth was not my own.
This has been difficult for me as I am an only child and had such a strong bond with my parents. I am a very emotional and connective individual, and to think I didn’t agree with the two people who were raising me was truly devastating. So I tried to force myself to fit there mold, I remember crying to myself in my room and wondering why, why, why we couldn’t be like minded. I felt like I was the crazy one because I didn’t agree with their philosophies.
My parents are reclusive; they have never done things with social groups. Although they have their faith, they do not and have not been a part of a church. I remember growing up and my mom would idealize running away and living far from people.
Growing up I learned that if something got tough I could give up. A friend hurt your feelings, cut ties. Your boss yelled at you, you can quit. High school isn’t for you, drop out. So I did all of the above more than once, some things more than five, ten or even twenty times. I am thirty years old and I have had over thirty jobs, I honestly do not know how many jobs I have had. The shortest was a mere couple of hours and the longest was a bit over two years.
I started out in public school until my grades were nearly failing, then I was homeschooled, then I went to private school (I hated how clicky people where so I quit) and finally to public school where I dropped out a year in. I have my reasons and excuses but ultimately I never grew a back bone and figured out how to deal with things when they became tough. All I wanted to do was turn and run the other way in the face of hardship. I wanted to hide my face, disappear…no longer exist.
I was groomed perfectly to fall into the DPD mold, and for some years I was. I wanted to have a man who loved me more than the moon and stars. I wanted to have this fairy tale passionate love story that would complete every part of my soul. I needed to have a man, I could not be single. And when I was in a relationship I wanted to see him every day, talk to him on the phone every few hours, know exactly where he was all the time. I wanted to be reassured all the time that I was special and loved. My mom always says to my Dad, “do you love me anymore?” or “do you still love me?” It was said in our house so many times that it was a staple in conversation. So much so that I thought it was perfectly normal and acceptable. It wasn’t until my husband asked me, “why do you always say that? What makes you think I will suddenly stop loving you?” that I realized this was indeed not normal.
The longer I was away from my parents the more confidence I gained, I was holding jobs for longer, I went to college and got my degree. I find I can speak my mind and I am becoming less afraid of hurting people with my opinion. I am starting to learn how to not care as much and try to make myself happy.
But, my mom won’t let go of me easily. Not without a vigorous, painful fight that sometimes turns into a blood bath. I will try to talk to her, tell her to please not force her opinions and ideas on me. To realize we are different people with completely different ideas, but she thinks if she keeps trying harder to crush me into the mold she wants me to be in that I will give up and surrender to her will. I just want her to accept that I am not going to do or believe in the same things she does and to stop. Why can’t we have a relationship where we do not have to share the same opinions? Why can’t she accept me for who I am?
The past two plus years I have been distancing myself from her. It would start when she would call me to see if I would take her out for a desert. I would tell her I was doing homework for college, she would push and, “why can’t you take a break?” This would happen numerous times and if I “took a break” it would turn into an all-day thing.
I was beginning to see how emotionally draining she could be, constantly bashing herself so I would complement her and lift her up. My compliments where like band aids on a sinking ship. I could never fill the holes she had in her personality, I will never be able to fix her. She cannot and will not fix herself no matter how I have tried to broach the subject, subtly suggesting therapy to downright telling her she has a personality disorder.
One of the things that bothers me the most: when we talk I will use something as a metaphor or try to have a conversation where I can speak my mind all the while trying very, very hard to reassure her that I love her and don’t want to hurt her and then six months later she takes the most difficult sentence that I said to her and throws is back in my face. I feel like she is literally trying to cut out my heart. I will give you an example, if I said, “How could you have not kept a job? You are smart, you are reliable, you have excellent attention to detail, you are friendly and compassionate and would have been an amazing employee. All you need to do is believe in yourself, you can do anything you set your mind to.” All she hears is “How could you not have kept a job?” and then she will proceed to say she doesn’t understand what I was thinking when I said that. She filters out the compliments and keeps the jagged pieces to through back at me as she pleases.
I don’t feel like talking to her anymore, the above was an example of how our conversations go. None of that was actually said, in actuality it was far worse. I would never speak to my daughter the way she has spoken to me. I wish I had a mom I could look up to and draw wisdom from; I do not feel that I will ever have that from her. She is always upset with me and then quick to want to “get back to the way things where when we were friends.” She really doesn’t get that things will never be the same.
I feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time, she gets upset if I spend time with other people more than her. I never know when she is going to grab my words and use them against me. I never know what is safe to say and what is not no matter how hard I try so carefully to be loving and considerate.
I am just heart broken, I feel like someone has ripped out my insides and I am collapsing from within. And she is the one who is the victim, poor mom. Her daughter doesn’t want to spend time with her, she is abandoned and just doesn’t know what she has done wrong. All these years we’ve gotten along and now all of the sudden things changed. What has changed? Poor mom hasn’t done anything differently to deserve this. Why does her cruel daughter torment her so and why does she not care that poor mom is crying and alone?
I don’t know what to do…just when I try to move ahead she hurts me again, we cannot get past this. Now my daughter is involved, for many years she has been the object of my mother’s affection. Mom has cuddled her beyond the realm of cuddledom, my daughter is getting old enough to see the relationship isn’t healthy. She is feeling uncomfortable and I don’t want her to have to endure anything she isn’t comfortable with.
The more distance we take the more my mom latches on with octopus tentacles and holds on for dear life. When she doesn’t get what she wants then she gets hurtful.
I have to protect my daughter. Even though it is emotionally difficult for me to endure this battle it is what I must do. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I just wish that she could see. I just wish that she could be my mother.