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sister said:
So of course I was obsessed today about calling T. Finally, lunchtime came around and I called him and he picked up the phone. He said it was nice to hear my voice.

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What a perfect thing to say. I bet it was nice to hear his as well.

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He didn't hear me. I wasn't able to convey how low I had sunk and how I am on such overload. I wasn't able to tell him about the SI urges and suicidal ideation I had experienced this week and how much pain I was in. As nice as it was to hear his voice we didn't connect. Maybe he did, but I didn't.

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I think you just need to slow down a bit and leave some stuff for the session. I am understanding just how you feel. I will probably feel similarly when I talk to my T next week. A lot has happened during this time for you. You have been through a lot in addition to the baseline pain of just having T away. Yes, you have experienced a rupture. Let the phone call be the first step of the repair.... just hearing his voice, knowing he is back. More work will get done in session.

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I cried alone in my classroom, sort of. I called my SIL (who I love dearly and who is a T herself). I told her I wanted to quit, that I didn't see the point in experiencing this pain...She explained that this "is" the trauma state, that I had too much invested to give up now. We talked for a while.

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Don't give up! I admire your strength and have thought of you quite a bit during my own separation from T as I try to manage my everday life. I'm glad you have your SIL as such a strong support.

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I called T back. I left a message that at the risk of feeling like an idiot, I needed to talk to him again...that he seemed so far away and that I felt ashamed when we spoke. He called back (I was with students) and left a message that we could talk either very late tonite (but unsure of what time) or tomorrow morning early while he was in the car. He said he was sorry I felt that way. He asked if I would let him know that I got the message and how I wanted to handle this.

I called again and left a message that I would call him early tomorrow morning.

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I like that he's making himself so available. Every single time I call my T I feel like an idiot. I'm glad you took the idiot-risk and called. You are taking care of yourself. Be well.