Thank you both for writing back. It feels really good to know that there are other people who feel the same way I do. I agree that recurring or long standing depression is due to something like a personality disorder. I have fought with this all my life.
I have always doubted my own ability to make decisions and I always second guess myself, call people and ask them what they think....it is an aweful and paralizing thing to live with. Knowing what it is seems to really help though. I know now that it isn't something I just do or did to myself. I can remember being 21 years old, married, pregnant, and calling my mom umteen million times a day to ask her what I should do about x, y, z..... The amazing thing is that even though I made a lot of mistakes and she is never going to get over a lot of what I have done (she lets me know this frequently), I still feel like I have to pick up the phone and call her everyday, otherwise, I am doing something wrong.
I think that in having to deal with 5 kids (and everything else) alone while my husband was in Iraq made me face a lot of my fears and doubts and it was the most scary time in my life. Now, when I have really bad days, I try to remind myself that I can get through it and I can survive even when I am on my own. It is really rough though.
I am working on letting go of the need I have to try to fix my mom or make her like me or geesh, there is a lot there to fix...LOL.
Anyway, I think I would really like to research this a lot and write about it. High school was the most awful time in my life and it had a lot to do with this disorder. In retrospect, I cannot believe that the counselors, teachers, priest, someone didn't see that I was not alright. I have the scar on my left wrist to prove it....I did it at school, and they just patched me up and sent me back to class....(I was cutting, not trying to off myself). However, as a mom, I would not be so quick to buy the story that it was an accident. No one should have to suffer with this because it causes you to lose so much of your life - which is so precious.
I think of all the things I could have done and didn't because I was afraid to. My parents would try to send me to Pennsylvania to spend the summer with my grandmother and I would never go because, of course, I was afraid that since my mom wasn't there I would do something wrong, or not good enough, or she wouldn't be there to tell me what to do and I would make her mad....OMG...so many things I could have been and done if this thing wasn't controlling me.
It helps to see it writtien down, to know that it isn't just me, I think it helps me put it in a little better perspective.
I also had a really good talk with my husband about it and he was very supportive and asked me if I had found a counselor who could help me with it. (That actually went much better than I thought it would)
Anyway, I am so glad that I found this place and thank you so much for being here. I look forward to talking with you all some more.