It was the same me, just at different points in the dream. And no, I don't think the adult me could interact with the kid me -- it was kind of like we shifted into two different entities. So a bit of both, maybe -- reflecting on how much I've changed



and a subconscious regression/my subconscious coming to terms with how I felt inferior as a kid. My parents never really did the whole "parental favoritism" thing (that I recall) but I do remember later in elementary school where I really became aware of how different I was. And I don't really know how I was before I went to bed -- anxious, maybe.

And I've definitely been aware of what's been...expected of me. Some of my teachers were very sympathetic to what I was going through, others kind of didn't really get it, and both definitely left their marks. And I suppose I do -- I want primarily to be a good writer, get my degree, maybe get married and have a family one day, as well as heal whatever emotional health issues I have, but sometimes it doesn't seem like...enough, I guess. I keep having pressure on myself to be free of any OCD-related traits, anxious traits, etc.

And no, I wasn't really put second to my brother's needs. My mom says that when I was two-and-a-half and my brother was first born, I was really just very resentful of him being born, and it took a while for us to actually bond. (We have a great relationship now. I can safely say that I am proud to be his older sister, and though he doesn't quite get my current mental health issues, he's been good in terms of just trying to calm me down -- or just talk about different stuff) It was mostly during that time that my dad kind of took me out of the house to do some activities while my mom was looking after my brother. I did have one moment, maybe a year ago when I thought that my brother was the "favorite" and I felt invisible, but that wasn't really the case.

As for which of my mom's traits I see in myself -- well, my mom tells me that I kind of remind her of herself when she was my age. In terms of negative traits, there's some worry about whether or not I can trust her, and in terms of helpful traits...before all this started, she used to talk about having compassion for even people I don't get, things like that. And she encouraged my writing. Even now, she kind of...encourages me. She had a moment of parental favoritism with my brother -- that I perceived -- last year, but she didn't really treat me as lesser than him. I think she loved us both equally, from what I can remember.

In terms of from society, it's being...well, kind of like everyone else, I guess. And pretending nothing's wrong...yeah, I guess that's one way to sum it up. Being a published writer, getting a degree -- that's realistic. Getting married and having a family...well, I guess I'll get there when I get there. And I guess I mostly feel hurt by not having a degree yet, not having anything published, stuff like that. And just being in a really bad mental state on top of it.

As a kid...well, I wasn't really good at meeting people's expectations. I think I might have gotten defiant later on, and started feeling threatened by...I suppose certain authority figures. (Some teachers I really got along well with, others I didn't) As for the abuse...as far as I can recall, I wasn't physically abused as a child. I wasn't beaten, I wasn't spanked, things like that. So I guess the abuse is more metaphorical than anything else. I kept "beating myself up" as a kid.

And thank you. Really.

I think the best I can do is focus on getting through school, getting a job, healing my brain, things like that. The rest...well, maybe the rest will work itself out. I hope.