So I was diagnosed with Bipolar a couple months ago, (Bipolar 1 as of a few weeks ago) and have only told a few friends. On the surface they seem supportive but I get the feeling that they are testing me. It's hard to tell if these are justified concerns or just obsessive/invasive thoughts. Throughout my manic episode I kept trying to explain myself and my behavior, desperately rationalizing it and even "tracing" it back to my childhood, basically attempting to assimilate my symptoms into my personality because I didn't understand the things I was seeing my thoughts and behavior. I constantly have resurfacing thoughts or beliefs that my friends don't believe me, they are analyzing the things that I say, monitoring my responses or all talking about me behind me back, etc. Other than my mom my friends were my only support system and I've known most of them since middle school (some before) and it's really painful and sometimes aggravating to think they don't believe me or support me.

As I'm writing this it helps me distance myself from it. But the "external" or "real" problem with this sort of coping mechanism is that I know I made a lot of claims when I was in that unhealthy state of mind. I made these grandiose claims/opposing claims/different claims to all of my closest friends about what kind of person I was. I thought this was a 'coming into my own' sort of realization when I was really just experiencing the onset of bipolar. I told them I had asperger's, I was abused, no I'm lesbian, no I'm a man, I'm a sociopath?, it just escalated as I started to doubt what I was saying more and more. Obviously I am also dealing with a weak sense of self but I'm afraid when I told them "I have bipolar" they think this is another one of those claims, or even worse a lie to cover up my recent strange behavior.

I've been on Trileptal for a few weeks now, I'm now taking the full dose but I still can't get these thoughts out of my head. And sometimes if they stir long enough I feel like I'm not even on the medicine anymore because I've worked up so much self doubt and anxiety. It's making it really difficult to rebuild my relationships with anyone because I keep isolating myself to avoid saying the wrong thing or worry about saying the right thing and the initial regret I feel afterwards. I keep doing things like tracing where the symptoms started, what triggered it, etc. but I think I'm making it worse in my attempt to absolve or "cancel out" these thoughts.

I know, logically, that if they don't express their support in the ways I want that isn't their fault, they are 19/20 yo and none of us, including me, are equipped to deal with this. AND if they didn't support me, they shouldn't matter, right? That can't be my responsibility but it sure feels like it sometimes. But right now I'm just in limbo. I don't feel comfortable getting in touch or staying in touch with all of my friends right now, but I also don't want to avoid them or deal with this alone. I would also like to add this is ONLY with my friends. They did see the worst of my manic episode but I don't experience this sort of anxiety with any other people regardless of if they saw me in that state or not.

Any advice on dealing with this?