Last week I thought I was doing better. Made some calls to get help, wasn't able to make it in to work all week but was feeling better about getting back there.

Didn't make it in first two days this week but made it in on Wednesday and today. Exhausted and emotionally drained. Can't say I feel "worse than ever" but I don't feel good.

Last week the suicidal thoughts had gone away but today they are back.

A few weeks ago the last call I made to a potential therapist... Didn't even get so far as to see if he would take my insurance... He thought my work was too far from his office (25 minute drive) and predicted I would have trouble commuting to his office for therapy and therefore refused to see me.

It took all this time for me to regroup and get my energy back to try again. I was able to get a nurse practitioner through my insurance who helped me look up some services to call that take my insurance.

First call has three offices, the office near me does NOT take my insurance. The only therapist in the group that takes my insurance is in the office an hour and a half away from me.

Strike one.

Second call, leave a message, they never call me back. Strike two.

Third call, leave a message. I hit the ball! They call me back and ask about why I'm calling. I explain I've been trying to find a therapist since December and they ask why. I tell my story including the guy who said I worked too far away. Woman on the phone says that that's horrible! I agree.

I give her my insurance info and she says she'll check with her billing department who is run but a very good employee, to see if they take my insurance.

She assures me she will call me back.

Never calls me back.

Pop fly, caught, strike three, out.

I was already hoping they would not call me back because I'm now just too tired to every start therapy to try. Been reading here about allowing time for therapy and medication to work. I feel like I'm past the point where I even want to try any more. I just want to get used to feeling this way, being in pain, and battling suicidal thoughts all day.