My husband has a terrorizing fear that I'll leave him, has ever since we met but that's due to his childhood trauma of being abandoned by his family. I can understand why everyone always questions this whenever I tell people that he's my soul mate because they don't understand. Nobody will understand unless they've met that person. You can never know what it's like to know a human being before you met them, to know what they're thinking and vica versa, to be on the same wave length all the time and to think of or want the same things at exactly the same moment, or to hear exactly what you need to hear from that person as if the universe were speaking through them, to know without a doubt when somethings wrong with the other, to see through their facades and know exactly when they're being genuine or to recieve a hug or a passionate kiss as soon as you needed it - not unless you've lived it. No relationship will be without it's struggles, even one with your soul mate. Remember in my first post I said it was never perfect but close enough!

I too have wondered and have asked him if this is not who he really is but the truth is he was far more interactive and responsive for all the years we spent together before this happened. Plus what kind of person would I be if I doubted him when I too have changed my behavior toward him? Both our past conditioning came up in this time - is this who I am? Yes, but never with him. It was always with other people that I was like this and the same is true about him - he has always been more himself with me than with anyone, far more alive and whole than he ever felt. We all have these dark parts of ourselves lingering deep inside that we don't want to accept, we don't want to believe they make up any part of who we are. He lives in his fear right now and due to this I live in mine. I'm not proud of it but it IS allowing me to address long standing problems and the situation is also allowing him to do the same. I guess you could say we're both going through a kind of identity crisis at the same time. My problem here is learning to cope.

Let me make one other thing clear. When I said "he stopped touching me" what I was really saying is that he appeared to lack all desire for sex and no longer initiated it. He never rejects me, it just hurts me a lot when I feel like he doesn't want me and to fear that we may have lost that intense mutual physical intimacy we once shared. He is still very affectionate and saying he makes me feel loved is an understatement. Also, I didn't say there was no talking just none unless prompted - then again, only the most quiet of individuals would find security in that. To be clear, we have very good communication. We talk about everything that comes up and both very open with one another. Obviously, that isn't to say he doesn't have his communication problems but to be fair for someone with his issues it's impressive how very expressive and self aware he is and he always does his best to better himself.

I realize you can only go by what I write about him and our marriage, but just don't judge. There's only so much I can say without dragging it on and on to the point where I'm going to bore you guys or scare away anyone who might want to respond, but I tried to give you a clear and accurate picture of what's going on yet even then everyone is going to bring in their preconceived notions. Either way, I'm happy to still have your attention and continued support