I've been taking L-Theanine and St. John's Wort for a few months now in hopes of controlling the episodes until I can get real meds. They work a bit, better than nothing, but not all that well. But I forgot to take them last night, ended up getting absurdly emotional out of nowhere during a movie, breaking down and messaging him on my cell, asking if he could block me to make it easier.

He said he didn't want to talk to me yet, but he didn't want to block me either, so please leave it at that. I did.

Am I happy I got a response from him?

I don't want to say "yes." Mostly, I'm humiliated that I just couldn't shut up and leave things alone.

I'm fairly lucid, or "normal" right now - whichever term is more appropriate - so I'm aware that none of this has anything to do with him, and most of that stuff I was feeling (and venting) earlier was just my own delusions projected outwards. But soon, I probably won't be.

It's bittersweet having moments like this.

On one hand, they're what keep me from turning into someone like my mom, who's alienated everyone around her and ended up in the hospital with full-on psychosis twice, but doesn't see anything wrong and refuses treatment.

But on the other hand, it is kind of like being an alcoholic and having morning-after regrets, except you don't choose to drink.

I don't know whether I should wait the month to see a psychiatrist at the clinic I'm currently using, or try to find another one that can see me faster. The lack of focus and forgetfulness I've been experiencing lately is really starting to piss off people at my job. They're talking to me about it.

I don't know how I'll make it a whole month.