how are you supposed to meet that special someone and be-able to develop a cool - good relationship that will and can last through the dark grim murky fiery waters of hell when you can't even take care of yourself due the depression

i HATE being so broken, god i despise these emotions so deeply, i never thought i would curse god... but i have now probably more than i can count..

but its not my fault god, i didnt ask for this, you WONT help me! what have i ever done to deserve any thing bad? all i ever asked for was deliverance from this torture, i saw a window of love and looked through it and it felt good, but then you took it away from me and now i have nothing but these demons... why have you forsaken me?

god doesn't hear me, i feel so forsaken... condemned to suffering no matter how much i plead... i have tried to do everything right in my life, tried so hard
i dont think there is a person that could say something bad about me, that i have ever done something to anyone... i have only done damage to myself over the course of my life, i know i had rage problems before... but i learned... who wouldn't have rage when they feel like this all the time..? i just don't know why god doesn't help me... i am a good person... but this torture makes me feel so bad... i must of done something really horrible.... maybe in another life..? i beg for forgiveness everyday though, for anything that i may of done..
does anybody hear these prayers? i dont think anyone can hear me - if there is someone listening... then something is really wrong, if i saw someone in my position and heard the cries... i wouldn't be able to sit by and not help... so why does god ignore me? when im losing my strength, desire to fight, not seeing any reason to it all but eternal torture... does he not want me? i have never asked for any entity to do my works... just for wisdom and guidance... but the only thing i have been delivered are these tormenting seconds which i have to endure every day... is this a test of strength? for what? so that i can go to the other side and watch others suffer too? i dont understand

im so tired - please someone hear my pleading ... i dont know what i did to deserve any of tthese bad things... and i dont have any angelic protection apparently, no divine guidance.. im just lost in the deep pits of despair, where i cant be heard or seen... im only left with my own tormented soul - echoing the cries ..

i thought i met the angel god was going to send to me, but it was a dream... a mirage.... it was a test - to see how broken i can be.... but how she made me feel and gave me strength when she was with me, i'll never understand - and now its gone, and i will never have it like that again...
why have you forsaken me? teased me with happiness only to strip it away when i need it the most

is there a god? or am i barking up the wrong tree here....
what is the point to these feelings..? it is not ok... if you dont deserve to feel like this, never done anything to harm anyone or anything bad like that... then there is no reason for so much regret... pain.... guilt...... the torment of a depressed mind... why ?