I'm so tired and so up-and-down that at this point I think that although I'm not suicidal now, if that were to change over a weekend I would just jump on the opportunity.

I do now have someone helping with finding a therapist but that hasn't been fruitful either. I'm at the point where I want to start making excuses to reject candidates, I don't even want to drag myself to one anymore.

Church/religious isn't going to do it for me. I had a very bad experience at my local synagogue several years ago. I've got lots of encouragement from friends (and on here) and have been talking a lot but the bottom line is I'm in a huge amount of pain, a good percentage of it I know is distortion from depression, but a good portion of it is stuff from outside of my symptoms, stuff I've been working on diligently for 10 years outside of depression, with no improvement or solutions... So the idea of spending a few years now fighting this depression with therapy and meds or no meds or hospitalization or no hospitalization and try some different meds and side effects... Starting that whole roller coaster ride just to get back to the point where I'm not depressed but still alone and not happy... Isn't something I want to pursue. The only way I've been getting up the energy to try to find a therapist is to try to put aside how unhappy I've been with my life in spite of trying to make change. When I've got all of this in my head... the practical stuff along with the depression... I don't even want to try.