I haven't had a really connected session for a few weeks. It's not that we've been disconnected, just not intensely connected in that really really satisfying way. We've had a lot of nuts and bolts stuff to work on and have done just fine. But still... One feels the lack of the intense "high" one gets from extreme connection.

Anyway, this week we did have one of those lovely connected times together. Right before I drove to session, I had this really stressful thing happen regarding my divorce. Just blood pressure rising, anxiety inducing, frustrating as h*ll, blech. I did not want to take this to therapy with me, as I am so sick of dealing with divorce logistics there. I wanted this session for me, for real therapy. And we'd talked about anger last time, and T had offered to help with this, and I had accepted. We were going to do EMDR.

Anyway, I get into session, and T waits for me to choose where to go. I am fighting to calm down and not let the divorce annoyance rule the day. I can't say anything--mind is racing, heart is beating too fast. Finally, I say, "I need to relax." Silence. I cast about and then ask about a treat he is eating, which he has shared with me. This starts off the most wonderful interchange--me and T at our best. Filled with give and take and my feelings and his self disclosure sprinkled throughout, him sharing with me about anger and little bits from his own marriage and divorce as we talk about mine and where I've been and where I am going and why. And anger. And quotes from philosophers. It is just the most beautiful dance, and I realize how much I have missed this--my sharing and his in kind therapeutic self disclosure (right back atcha!), so skillfully woven into our synchronous talk. It was just great--my T at his therapeutic best, and me, healing and learning. I must have been purring.

During this interchange, I remember posing a question, something like, "is it good for me to be feeling this way (angry)? Because it doesn't feel good to feel this way." He responded, "well, I can answer that 2 ways. I can be a therapist and tell you yes, it's progress and it's healthy to be feeling it, and we can sit in that feeling together, and really let you experience it. That could go on for many sessions. But the last few sessions you have been feeling it, and I can tell how hard it is for you, and I want to respond as a healer, not as a therapist, because I'm a healer above all else. We can do EMDR together and you can heal from the wounds that are causing your pain and anger. I think you've sat in it enough. Are you ready to heal?"

Near session's end, he asked me about the nuts and bolts divorce stuff--arrghhh--and I spilled what happened. We went way over time dealing with that. Then on my way out, he looks up at me from where he's seated at his desk and asks how it went (our session)--I love that, he's never asked that before. I say, referring to our dance, "the anger talk was the best part for me." And he smiles, with crinkly eyes, "me too," he says.

(Next week, EMDR.)