I'm new here, but I'm desperately looking for people who understand.

I have been diagnosed with everything under the sun from the time I was in graduate school (I'm 40 wonderful years old).

The ones that have stuck are BPD and major depressive order. Until now.

I've noticed highs and lows in my life, certainly. But as I get older, my highs are much more pronounced. As in, hypomanic.

Although when I was recently in the hospital in November, I came out with the diagnosis of Bipolar I. I can't remember why that was, but a few days before I was actually admitted, I took many benzos and alcohol and ambien. It was like I couldn't stop. I've never in my LIFE done this. I never even smoked weed, lol.

I went to the ER because I was semi suicidal and it was kind of an OD and kind of on purpose.

When I was in the ER, I was high, as in, mood high. I was talking all about my sex life and how these pills made me, umm, you know. Then I talked about some large animal in the room that no one else could see.

Somehow I talked my home, but a few days later I was back again. Only I was terribly depressed.

Meds is a post in itself, and I'm writing way too much. In a nutshell, I'm super manic right now, not BP1 though, and sort of scared. I can't stop myself from cleaning, calling people and telling them how much I love them, telling store clerks how amazing they are, and telling their managers how wonderful the employee is. I'm not doing anything dangerous, but I hate this feeling. I also love this feeling.

I've got to end, I could write a novel right now. I'm sorry.