EJ,

Sorry I haven't read about your husband problems before this.....OMG!!! if you have been reading some of my posts.....it sounds very similar....not exact, but similar.

My husband has been a jerk for all 32 years of marriage (or maybe I should say, living under the same roof because it hasn't been a marriage at all).

He has an attitude problem that has been there since before day 1. If it isn't his idea or he gets boared or he doesn't like doing something, he won't do it. He has been constantly irresponsible with money...buying something that's on sale & putting it on credit because he can afford the monthly payments & paying 6 times the amount in the long run or the item. He was able to hold down his software engineering career for 20 years (& I had my software engineering career for 15) so he thought we were rich. He ran us into the ground & I took over just before we moved our California house 21 years ago. I turned our financial situation all around until I ended up with my horrible anxiety & depression from the loss of my career. He took over & ran us into the ground only worse this time. He ended up messing up his career because of his attitude & along with the engineering field going down at the same time, ended up out of work too. All we had was my disability & he didn't see how messed up he really was.

It wasn't until just last year that he finally got a Dx of ADHD.....which looking back is what is probably has been all these years. At this point, I don't care what the reason for his problems are. The bottom line is that he has to get his life together & he can't do it if I'm there. I don't have patience to put up with his crap anymore & was going to file for divorce several years ago....just never followed through with it......the story of my life (never following through with what I KNOW I should do).

Now that I own my own farm in Kentucky.....he is not coming with me....I refuse to bring his rut with me there & while I was alone, I realized who & what I really am....& I am a much better person without him around me....I don't like what I have become when I am with him....mostly because his lazy way of life is easy to get sucked into & I just can't do that anymore & feel good about myself.

He is now on meds for the ADHD.....from samples my pdoc gives him (he has no insurance to get help himself) & he didn't even bother asking for those until this last week. He actually thought that I was never going to follow through on the line I have been drawing in the past because I have never followed through before....& he really thought that he was going to be going back to KY with me until about 2 days after I returned to CA....had it out with him & told him no way was he going to be going there with me unless I ever saw the necessary changes that I have been having problems with for 32 years.

Long story short....& basically the same suggestion as the others. You need to draw your line & not back down.....things will never change if you continually back down & continue to take care of him.....he will never HAVE to take care of himself....& even if you don't back down....he may never take care of himself either if that is who he is or what he is with an untreated problem.

Treating a problem is also their responsibility because like my depression & anxiety & even the way the trauma effected me with the PTSD symptoms....no one could actually fix them except for me coming to terms with what happens to me & learning how to make my life work inspite of those problems. My husband is banking on the fact that meds & therapy are going to change him.....get that...."they are going to change him". What he doesn't get is that he is the one that is going to have to do all the work.....& make the changes....& he doesn't like to do anything that takes work.....he wants everything handed to him.

I don't know about you, but I'm so tired of living the way I have lived for the past 32 years, I am looking forward to getting back & settled in my farm (ALONE) in Kentucky.....far away from the life I have had here for 32 years. I admit, it is harder being alone & having to do everything (he has helped with some things all the time), but without waisting my energy of the fights with him....I am going to have a lot more energy to do the things that he has been doing.

Hope this helps some.....if you want to PM or talk more about this....it's ok with me. I feel a bit strange posting about some of the details....& sorry, I do get a bit lengthy about it.

Debbie