> when I describe your behaviors, I'm telling you how I feel about them. If I say you're condescending, I mean, I feel you're being condescending.

I think it is important (with respect to boundaries) to distinguish between
1) How we feel and
2) How people behave
How come? Because you need to take responsibility for your feelings just as I need to take responsibility for my behaviour.

When you say that I'm condescending you are focused on describing my behaviour (or your judgement of it) rather than being focused on describing how you felt in response to my behaviour. E.g., demeaned? undermined? devalued?

> I feel disrespected when you speak to me like that.

Disrespected is a feeling.

> if you speak to me in a way that feels condescending, I will say you're being condescending.

I'd prefer it if you could state your feeling rather than judging my behaviour. I'll return the courtesy, or at least I'll certainly do my best to return the courtesy.

> That is insulting. I do not feel dumb or morally uneasy... don't assume I feel that way.

You mean that you feel insulted?

I don't mean this to be about verbal tricks. The reason why it is important to be clear about the distinction between ones feelings and other peoples actions is because of this:

> Thank you for the explanation of what you meant by idealistic views. That sounds much less hurtful. I apologize for misinterpreting what you said.

See... I didn't mean for that statement to be an insult. When you said that it was it hurt my feelings because I didn't intend it to be insulting. If I know that you feel insulted because of the way you have interpreted my behaviour, however, then I can clear up what it was that I intended to do with my behaviour. Just as I wouldn't want to tell you how to feel I'm sure you wouldn't want me telling you what your behaviour was (e.g., insulting) or what the intention behind your behaviour was (e.g., to insult me). Please don't jump to conclusions about my behaviour.

> The manner in which you speak is hypocritical and condescending, and we will call you on it, when we feel that's how it is.

If you do that then I won't respond to your posts anymore. How come? Because it HURTS when you say I'm hypocritical and condescending. How would you feel if I told you that you were hypocritical and condescending? I don't understand why you would respond to me if you thought I was like that. I have enough negative self talk without volountarily associating with people who tell me derogatory things. If you can't say something nice...

Or... Tell me how you feel instead of judging MY actions.

> This is exactly what we mean by condescending. You're putting us down as not having ideals and wanting good things. Just because we see things differently and see certain things as ideal that you do not, does not mean you're better or smarter than us.

What I got from this passage was that... If I redescribe what you have said into a statement of how you feel...

Condescending... How do people feel when they interpret someones actions in that way? Demeaned? Devalued? Undermined?
Putting us down... Same as above, I guess.
Does not mean you're better or smarter than us... I guess I wondered how I would feel if I said that to someone... I guess I'd feel... Worse than them... Stupid... I don't know. Angry, maybe? Dunno...

I just think that... There aren't too many people in the world who take kindly to people describing their behaviour as 'condescending' 'hypocritical' 'insulting' 'disrespectful'. When you describe peoples behaviour in that way I really don't think that you will find a single person in the world who won't feel upset / hurt in response to that. It hurt me at any rate. And then it turned out that... I didn't intend my behaviour in that way after all... That kind of hurt (which often results in both parties degenerating to insults and escalating conflict) can be prevented by... Simply sticking to stating how one feels in response to the behaviour. That way the other person gets the opportunity to clarify their intention and / or apologise. Otherwise... Well... Not very positive encounters, I suppose.