So just a bit of a warning beforehand...there's probably going to be some whining on my part. Probably a lot of it. Like a lot a lot. And if you're wondering why I'm using the trigger code a lot, it's because there's some legitimately ugly stuff in there as well.

I'll be honest, the memories that I'm regaining -- I hadn't really thought much about them before. I don't think they really shaped who I am, though. Not entirely. I think the really ironic thing is that the majority of my issues seem to have started in 2013. (Emphasis on "the majority" -- there's probably a lot of stuff that I haven't acknowledged yet) In terms of the 2013-2014 memories...I'm addressing them because they've definitely caused a lot of issues for me for pretty much three years. It pretty much started over one change in a fandom I was in (it was a fandom that I was in ever since I was a teenager, maybe. Probably high school?) and kind of feeling torn in different directions -- should I think this way, should I think that? And...well, this is kind of embarrassing to admit because it was just, looking back, massively stupid of me, but I actually tried to get some people who were going after others in the fandom to stop, as some of their actions...well, they were basically lashing out at people who really hadn't done anything but disagree with them. And a bit of pity for the people who were doing the awful behavior, as they...well, they had a pretty tough go of it themselves. So I was wondering if I was really the bad guy here. (I know, all this over a fandom, huh?) I ended up having a really awful moment of losing my temper, which I still regret (unfortunately, the damage has been done, and I don't think the person I got angry at is really going to accept my apology. Some people have said it's not my fault but there's a part of me that wonders if I could have been calmer in the situation). Then again, considering that one of them



and nobody called her out on it...

My God. Oh dear God.

And then come 2014, I had my first experience with



which was actually an unexpected shock. I mean, I didn't know the person personally, but I think if you'd seen some of his stuff, you would have liked him -- he was a nice guy. And then afterwards, things just...got bad. So I guess if you'd want to analyze what the root of each emotion was, I'd say fear of change, a bit of a saving-people-complex (judging from old journals I found, I seem to have had it since I was a kid, like when I was venting to my third grade teacher about someone at my school bullying someone else. I've spoken with Dad about that tendency, and he basically told me I can't really save everyone. Which I admit, I almost don't want to believe, but...I guess it is true in a way), shock (especially on something that hits close to home for me), losing faith in people, things like that. (I've started regaining that faith though. I guess the reason it hit so hard in a fandom like that was that it was something that was part of my formative years, in a way, and it was a form of community for me when I was in my later years of high school -- I always kind of felt like I didn't really fit in, and so that community was kind of a...fitting in section for me)



So I guess what's based in reality and what isn't...honestly, what happened should not have gotten out of hand as it did. And I can't really save everybody. Those are perceptions of mine not based in reality. My feelings on the people involved -- I feel sorry for them, but I'm also scared of them and kind of have contempt for how they act, and on further examination, they were...well, I think what I referenced in the first trigger tag speaks for itself. (I think another friend of mine was actually horrified when I told them about it)

As for the flashes I've had...well, it started with a dream-memory I've always had and started flooding from there. I guess the root of all of this is wondering if I can trust my mother or anyone in my family, if there's anything else that's going to start tumbling out, and if it just explains how different I was as a kid...

But I guess the thing is, from what I remember...maybe it didn't have as much impact on me as a kid as I thought it did. I think the later memories did. The later memories aren't beneficial to me because there's really nothing I can do about these people and I'm out of that fandom now anyway (recent developments have convinced me I probably did the right thing) and the most I can do is try and be a better, healthier person than I was back in 2013, 2014 and 2015, come to think of it.



As for my earlier memories...well, I don't think there's really much I can do about them right now, except patch myself up (and write them down as they come, but not necessarily obsess over them. I guess I just worry about somehow betraying myself/letting my guard down. I don't really know why I keep thinking of myself as naive and stupid -- I think I've always had some degree of that and it's really become aggravated as an adult). Ease my anxiety and OCD, and work towards making positive changes in my life. Work on sleeping well. Things like that. And hopefully whatever all of this is, it'll work out in the end.