Thank you everyone. I made it back to work for 3 hours alone there. Coming home I thought about driving my car straight into traffic without stopping--this is something I would NEVER EVER do, I would never risk hurting someone else or even giving someone else the guilt of being an unwitting participant in my suicide--but is is a part of the ideation running through my head and makes me think I might be getting farther from ideation and closer to practicality.

I absolutely do not want to go into the hospital. At least a week there then several weeks adjusting to new meds then years of trying to find a new balance. Absolutely not in my game plan. I was willing to give therapy a try. Was planning on trying to keep an open mind if therapy lead me toward new antidepressants, but no hospital. To go to hospital for only because I haven't been able to find a therapist is too way low down on the scale to even consider.

I made it through the week of work but just barely. And having to leave today probably disqualifies me from "making it through the week" since technically I did not. While I was there alone tonight I had thoughts of trashing the desk of another coworker. (Again something I would NEVER do... In this case I'd never get away with it, I was the only one in the building)

I keep telling people that I might check into the hospital but honestly that is only to cover in case I do it. I admitted that only to the close friends I visited a few weeks ago and here on PC. I was thinking of telling them at work again that I might check into ER but every time I do that I think I am closer to ending it so being able to leave without that disclaimer is a sort of victory for me.

Don't want to go on vacation alone or stay home alone and remember how alone I am. In spring/summer I spend vacation time with the club I'm in and there at least there are other people. In some ways that's worse. It was at an event with this club that my symptoms first reappeared (like gangbusters) but they were triggered by something that happened the day before with the guy who triggers me at work, the guy who's desk I wanted to trash today. There is something seriously wrong with me.