Love
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Love is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment.[1] It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".[2] It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.[3]
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love
it certainly exists - but for someone to return the mutual contract which one develops when love begins to grow - is non-existent
just as well as God - love is a pretty illusion that attracts the ones who need it most, which does what? destroys all hope
the only thing i believe in anymore is pain, i know pain is real - i feel it deeply and know it well...
pain never leaves me, pain never judges me, pain never cries out ridicule - pain is omnipresent - it is what everything leads to, it is the end - and probably the beginning...
i am so broken i can't let anyone near me... i refuse to destroy the illusion of others happiness - because happiness isnt real, like love... it is just a passing moment that is an illusion...
but i am so lonely and this journey is taking every ounce of respect i have for myself and burning it to ashes... i find it more difficult to care for myself, love myself, how can i have these "good" emotions/illusions about myself when its obviously all lies, its all condemnation
all i have right now is to find a way to numb the pain, or to cause a pain greater than that which i feel that is more of an illusion...
i started hurting myself again (yay went a few years without even thinking about it but whatever)
all i want to do now is just get high - or drunk so that i can forget what the hell is going on...
im tired of living like this, i dont want to do the things i do - but i dont know what else to do - i am forsaken, i am not in the eyes of god and have not the blessings of angels...
i want to be sober and have a happy (content) life, since all of this is fake anyway... i dont know why it has to hurt so much... and cause so much misery.... i am so tired... but i have no one - i could try to open to my family, but i can not do this because of ridicule and judgement... i am supposed to be the strong one that has the brains and is capable of surpassing all challenges, but little does everyone know how much of a failure i am... i just sail along all by myself... not even god is here to help or guide me.... for whatever reason this is my prison...
im so tired of all of this.... why me.... why someone so weak and pathetic .... i can barely hold my head up anymore, to breathe - i do in just a reflex... because i haven't the will to even breathe this poison anymore...
i give up on so many levels...