I'm so sorry you struggle with this. It is difficult to have an intrusive mental illness steal our thoughts and emotions and actions. I would say that not all you are experiencing is bipolar though. What you are describing about being a vegetarian but wanting to eat meat, that just sounds like an internal struggle. My son has serious anxiety about foods. While I realize he is much, much younger than you, I do believe that childhood anxiety may have never left you. Also, I realize this is much different but when I was in high school I was a vegetarian. I did not have the convictions (although I did believe I had them) but was a vegetarian because my best friend was a vegetarian and I thought it was cool. We don't always do things for "normal" reasons. And, to be conflicted about something strange is, to an extent, quite human.

When I was in HIGH SCHOOL, someone put tuna salad on my lunch tray and I CRIED. To this day, tuna salad makes me want to vomit. I cannot get past it. And, I can promise you that if someone tried to make me eat it, I would have severe anxiety. And I would also say that your wanting to eat and not being able is comparable to me and many others who really want to stay away from carbs (especially sweets for me) but cannot get past the desire and cravings. Since being on certain meds, this has gotten out of control and I have gained a substantial amount of weight. I cannot fathom what I will do if the weight gain continues. Anyway, I'm not sure if this helps or even if I am on track; these are just some thoughts.