He was great to you at first and all enveloping when you needed him most and were very vulnerable and lonely. He made you feel special and safe and kept you company all the time. He was always right there for you at first. I am sure that he emcompassed your every waking moment and filled your voids in your days and nights and it was 'just what your heart ordered' after your life of abondonment and loss and grief with your previous marriage and miscarriages.

You feel abandoned now because he was such a HUGE part of your life at a time when you were so low that you really are grieving like someone has died. Like someone has ripped the carpet from under you. It will get easier as the days go by.

But I must stress to you that his patterns DO NOT get better and he will not change on his own. He needs to hit rock bottom and will not do so while you are constantly taking him back. If you continue to take him back, you enabling him to be an abuser. The best way for you to take of you and him is to move on with your life. If you need to, get a restraining order. Abusive patterns can move from mental to physical in a heartbeat, and you never know when he will change.
My ex used to act like peaches and cream to get me to allow him back into my house just so he could gain access to me beat me up. The first time he beat me up, I was in a wheelchair for a week and he told me that if I told anyone that it was anything other than a sporting injury, he would kill my family and dog. I was only 16 and believed him. Of course, he was completely capable of this and I told that to the docs and nurses and they did not believe me. I lied to everyone...and they knew it. It left me feeling ashamed. He had my self-esteem beaten down so low I never once thought for myself for 3 years.

I am playing for you hun.

Blondie