i've tried so hard to make it better for so many years... i've felt this my whole life... i am only 26 years old, but it seems like it has been millennium of this torture... i dont think most people go through a lifetime without feeling as much pain... i just wish i had an answer to why i was forsaken to such a life... maybe if i knew why i deserve all of this i would accept it better... but i have honest to god never betrayed or harmed anyone intentionally... any wrong i have ever done i have tried to right... maybe people like me exist so that most people dont have to experience so much... or maybe the world really is as corrupt and discombobulated as i see it... and everyone else is just blind to the true appearance of these things... i have so much to give, but i am so weak and exhausted that i cant even find good reasons to keep looking for good reasons... to keep fighting or trying or whatever

im just not human... something happened to me - apparently someone is getting a thrill out of watching me squirm... if i could remember things i could figure it out, but i cant remember much... many years are blank.... all i know is that i went through things that i shouldn't have had to... i know some of those things.. but maybe there is more i cant remember... i almost died / or was killed (i guess how you look at it..) a few times, younger than 10 years old... maybe it messed me up for ever... i know 26 years is young... but i dont know what its like to feel good... i mean i had a window in which i fell in love, she was amazing and made me feel like i could really get by - it lasted a few years... but life happens... she is not with me anymore and i think it would of been better to not know that feeling... to just only know the pain... because now i know that there is an illusion that exists that can make the pain feel better... i guess its called love... i felt about her in a way that i did not know existed... and i dont know why - it just happened... it seemed like god was finally answering me, saying - J you deserve a break in life - she will ease your pains..

****... im back here again.... im crying and cant write any more so whatever...
just thought writing here someone might hear.... its so hard...