i dunno.. i just wanna feel a few moments of relief
i cant sleep right now, cant keep my eyes closed... i do feel so stupid for these things, i dont think im a drug addict, but maybe i am... i dunno, i dont do it because i want to get high... i just cant find the will in me to say no because i know how bad i will hurt either way, and just maybe my body will get numb if i do do something like that - drugs or cutting or whatever :/
i know im spiraling out of control again... but its the only thing i know to do anymore... doctors dont seem to understand, there is no way in hell i could ever begin to explain to my family - so they cant understand... the psychologist i saw feb 5th said that he hasnt seen these levels of depression and anxiety in a long time, atleast in any outpatients... of course its common for inpatients, but i dont want to go back to the hospital because it just makes me worse being there... like i said, i dont like to do these things and i dont wanna hurt myself or harm my brain or do any damage whatso ever... i do care - its just i dont know why i care anymore... i do want to be happy, its just i dont think it is possible... i just want to stop feeling pain, my mind is killing me... or making me kill myself, i dont know - i dont know if i can come back out of this episode... its happened so many times and lasted so long before, i hate it...

im not selfish... dont want to cause anyone any problems or make anyone worry about me...

just tired of hurting
i dont have any more alcohol so... no problem there... i'll try to just say **** it and stop doing anything tonight, but i just feel like im gonna hurt myself again because atleast then i can see why it hurts... trying not to...