It's been a while since I've been here. Been in therapy and finally am no longer with the Narc. What a nightmare rollercoaster. He hated me going to therapy, as it strengthened me and I began to stand up for myself. I am learning to set boundaries, which I tried to do while with him, but not only would he test those boundaries, he would blow right past them or ignore them. He actually told me at one point "Never say to NO to me".
Near the end of it all, we attempted to talk a few things out, although because I believe he has some paranoia tendencies in addition to being a Narc, (he always accused me of recording our convos so I can implicate him, or asked who else was listening in, or "what kind of show" am I putting on and for who), I believe, or I guess I hope that deep down inside he has a heart and feels guilty about things (otherwise he truly is a heartless narc beast). (sidenote to how deep seeded it was for him; in talking about the ugly incident that landed me in the hospital, before talking I was patted down, and when that wasn't good enough we had to go stand in the shower, naked with the water running before we could talk about it). And in talking about it in that one moment, he seemed to have a moment of clarity and took responsibility, apologized and actually cried. Crocodile tears? maybe, the Narc is a master at pretending to care about others, when it's truly just protecting themselves. He likes to call the incident an accident. ugh. So infuriating.
In order for me to move forward and attempt to put it behind me, I NEED TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. It wasn't an accident. It was violent, and horrible, and I still can't believe it happened, to me and at all.
-TRIGGER-
(we had been in a hell of a relationship b/c I lied to him 1 year earlier and we were trying to work things out. I have prior posts about the emotional and verbal abuse)
In the middle of the night, he rolled over wanting to have sex, I didn't and in the back and forth over it I was called a cold *****. I got up and went to the couch to sleep, but he wouldn't let me. He asked me back to bed, then demanded. When I still said no, he tried to get me up off the couch ( I think, that part's fuzzy), and still saying no, he told me that the only thing I'm good for is last call at the end of the night at a bar. (he had called me a *****, a prostitute for over a year at that point, so this was his way of doing that without actually saying those words-that way I can't blame him. Narcs can be so smart sometimes) I got so angry that I ran over to him and pushed him to the wall. At that point he put me in a choke hold and threw me to the ground. I couldn't breathe. The only thing I could think was 'oh my god, I can't breathe, I'm going to pass out, I hope I don't die'. When he lets up, the first thing out of my mouth is "My leg!" apparently my leg had snapped and was turned out. I couldn't feel it, but I knew something was wrong. The first thing he does is climb on top of me and starts begging me not to call the cops. Over and over and over again. Somehow, I'm the calm one. he begs and begs, and I'm the one who asks him to take me to the hospital.
Apparently I had a rug burn on my forehead too, and also apparently there was a torn ligament (which I found out later from my PT that only happens in certain types of breaks and she became curious as to how I really broke my leg).
We figured out a story on the short ride to the hospital, and I have stuck to that story since. It's been almost 2 years. I haven't been able to tell anyone other than my therapist. When I try to tell him how scary that whole thing was, he has done everything but accept full responsibility (except that one time). The fact that my broken leg was a secondary thought because I was being choked, kills me. He has denied it, denied it ever happened, denied how it happened, put the blame on me ( I was the violent one first by pushing him, I'm supposed to accept all of the name calling), and worst of all, he calls it an ACCIDENT. IT'S NOT AN ACCIDENT. I don't have 7 screws and a plate in my leg by accident.
I stayed with him for almost 2 years after that. I don't know why.
Thanks for letting me get that out.