i've put a triggerwarning just in case.

I've been reviewing my life a bit more, maybe for the first time. last couple of weeks and think i have some traits of SPD, maybe even more so than my diagnosed AVPD.

So about a year ago I got diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. I've been in group therapy for 3 weeks now, once a week. I've been thinking a bit more as why I do things.

All of my life i've not been really able to connect to others and to be quite fair I liked it this way. I did feel lonely every once in a while, but maybe once every few months.

In elementary/middle school I usually played by myself during breaks, imagining a story in my head and play it out. I've only had one good friend during this time.

When I went to highschool I only had that one friend. Only managed to make another good friend the first year. By year 2 the friend from middle school didn't like me as much anymore, still unsure as to why completely. It had something to do with the new highschool friend and a new friend of his playing me out against my old friend. I made some other friends near the end, who lived in a city nearby. for the rest of highschool i cycled alone to and from ( 12km) with earbuds in pumping music on max and live in my fantasy world.

Highschool was also the time I started to notice women. I've always told myself that I want a nice wife, good company. But reviewing my life and being honest with myself, those feelings were lust and not love.

I've never felt really emotional, sometimes in highschool i got lonely. No real sadness, happiness, hatred, love or any other emotion. In conversations I'm distant, usually don't have much to add unless it's a topic i'm interested in. Sometimes I retreat into my fantasy world. Never had a real passion for something, or was a fan of something. Sure I like certain musicians, but to go as far as to call me a fan is rediculous.

The only time was when i got "depressed" in university (never been diagnosed but was feeling very down). Bad memories from childhood coming up. Also I felt I wasn't being accepted for who I was with the friends I made at the end of highschool. They started calling me a hermit, making jokes about it and other stuff around my back. When I decided to quit my studies I also cut all ties with that friend group.

I've been working a minimal wage job just fine since i stopped university ( actually applied to new studies to start next school year). It's going fine, they think i'm a hard worker and i think i'm liked. Although i'm not the best conversations maker to quote a colleague "sometimes it's like talking to a wall when i'm with you"

I usually sit around in my room listening to music and make up stories in my head, i've started to write some thoughts down to start writing a novel. besides that i like to walk with my dogs, play video games or watch some good series/movies. Haven't had social contact in about 5 years, besides my parents colleagues and my sister.

Now, I've got diagnosed with AVPD, because I didn't realy know why i was so distant to people and said I didn't really know and could be anxiety. Because i do feel, i think, anxiety when a conversation is about me and my personality. i get very insecure. Since i've found it hard my entire life to recognize emotions on the rare occasions i do feel them, it might not even be anxiety.