This whole thread is going to be triggering on many levels- please don't read if you can't deal with being triggered right now.

I don't even know what to do with myself right now.

I've been smoking weed for twenty years - very very consciously because its the only thing that stops me wanting to kill myself. Nothing else has ever worked.

I started T 18 months ago, with one of my main goals being to give up. I had no idea when I started T that I was DIDishness, but it became clear that was the case real quickly. It began to make sense why I fell apart so badly when I wasn't stoned - why my head just started spinning and I had too many thoughts and opinions to the extent I couldn't function. Roll on 18 months, and for lots of different reasons I decided it was time to give up. I thought it would be different this time - now I know WHY I get like i do.

That was a few weeks ago, and all hell has broken loose since then. My head is out of control, and sui ideation has been growing daily. I've fired my T for no reason whatsoever and cut off the very few friends I had. Work has got better, but outside of work I have just been falling apart and basically stopped functioning altogether.

I was triggered a week ago when a colleague fell in to a psychosis and for a couple of days I was looking after him until he ended up in hospital. It turns out (we had no idea) he was a schizophrenic and had stopped taking his medication. This took me straight back to an incident when I was 17 (over twenty years ago). He was 23 years old, and was a schizophrenic. She asked if I knew what that was and I said "no". My mum went on to say that schizophrenics hear voices, and they are very unhappy and lead very miserable lives, and this was probably the best thing for him. She was trying to make me feel better about what I had seen, and didn't know about my DIDishness. I took her comments personally. I thought she was talking about me. That day the bit of me that just wants to die 24/7 was born, and what happened at work last week brought it all back.

I was already off the scale losing it, but this sent me spinning.Today it all reached a head. I couldn't take it any more and decided enough was enough. I headed out the house to a place a few miles away. As I was leaving the farmers daughter told me their dog that I've been looking after and love very much is being PTS tomorrow morning. That nailed it.

In the end I sat there in the trees trying to work out what to do. My head was spinning. Part of me was just screaming to do it do it do it. Part of me was screaming scared. Time passed. I don't know how long. I hugged a tree. It was covered in the softest lichen - was really comforting. In the end I decided purely because of the child in the garden - I couldn't do it. I couldn't affect that child for the rest of his life, the way so many people in my life had thoughtlessly done to mine.

I hung around for a while. Part of me was so desperate to just do it. Anything to make this hell stop. But I didn't. I just got on the bus and went home.

When I got home I lost it completely I was arguing with myself, begging myself to stop, but I couldn't.

When I calmed down, and was cleaning myself up but still crying, the farmer texted me to go up the farm. Him and his family have kind of taken me under their wing. They're pretty much my only friends in the village, and Im fond of all of them - but we're not exactly close friends or anything. He wanted to talk to me on my own, to tell me that his wife is about to be diagnosed with I dont understand how I stayed sane talking to him, trying to comfort him. But I did. But now Im just. I don't even know. Im numb, and in shock, and I can't believe everything thats happened today. How close I got to really doing it. I don't want to be here. I don't know how to go on. I literally have no one to talk to about what I did today. I don't understand why I can't just kill myself as I don't think there is a single bit of me that wants to go on. There must be a bit - because there was slightest sense of relief when I walked away from the place. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go on. I don't want to go on. I don't know how Im going to get through tomorrow, and saying goodbye to the dog. I don't know how Im going to function at work next week. I just want this to be over with. I cant go on like this.