At the risk of sounding harsh EJ..... nothing you decide to do from this point on is going to be easy. Continuing the course you are on is sure to make you sicker and from your last post it could even be dangerous to avoid making a clear decision of one kind or another. Continuing as you are may very well increase the problems you are facing.

Either way you look at it you need more support than you are getting. Stay or leave....make finding support a priority. Finding and securing supports even if its via the phone or the internet or through your college. Hook up everywhere and anywhere you can. Make the most of whatever limited resources you can find. Call on friends and family for help. Keep looking until someone can help. Accept no excuses from yourself. You can't do this alone. One way or another you need help so hunting down supports is required either way.

I generally am of the mind that women should never give up the family home. The man should leave. In your case you don't much like living where you do and as for the dogs... well you have talked about them before as being impossed on you by your man. You also have some financial independance with your teaching so that can make it easier for you to make changes.

I can tell you from my own experience that when I finally let my ex leave for good our relationship improved. We are now friends again and can enjoy each others company like the best of times. He has his life, I have mine. We share a son so our lives do overlap but I'm no longer controlled or affected by his bad behaviours, his decisions or his lifestyle choices.

Whatever you do will be hard EJ. What you have been dealing with, the stress that is on-going and the worry that is escallating isn't good for you. You can't do this for very long without it affecting your health and well-being. Imagine if you got too sick to teach at all anymore? Where would you be then? I'm sure that thought is spinning in your head all day every day. You need to stop playing russian roulette with your own life EJ. You are stuck helping someone who doesn't really want to be helped.

Let him stand on his own two feet for a while. Maybe you could move into the city where you teach for a term without making any final decisions about your relationship. Leave him to keep the farm house going of let him loose it in your absence. Take a stand for you EJ.... what is your hearts desire? Follow your heart and do what is in the best interest of your own health and well being.

I will be thinking and praying for you EJ.... you can do anything your heart desires. You are a strong, powerful, intellegent, compassionate but above all wise and caring person. Do what is best for you. If your man wants to keep what he has he's going to have to work for it. You can't continue to enable him.... gently or otherwise.

Take good care....